The application for changing the guardian was rejected again, and Qin Mu was taken home by his parents.
Shen Liu went to see him at home several times. The Qin family was filled with a kind of stiff harmony.
Qin Aihua and Zheng Yan watched their son standing in front of the court in the dock, and after he told them everything he had suffered in a trembling voice with great restraint, they finally believed it about 70% and lowered their heads in regret belatedly.
Fortunately, the son eventually returned. On the one hand, the two wanted to repair the precarious parent-child relationship, and on the other hand, they also sought to use this as a means to soothe their guilt; their attitudes changed significantly. Zheng Yan stopped swearing when she was not at home, and Qin Aihua no longer had a cold face. For the first time since their marriage, the two put aside their past grudges and joined hands to create a ‘harmonious and loving’ family atmosphere for their children. They treated Qin Mu with a stern and reserved attitude, carefully caring for his emotions, not mentioning what happened in the past, no longer controlling him, and avoiding all topics of sexual orientation. Still, it seemed more awkward because of the deliberateness.
What puzzled them was that Qin Mu did not buy their act. This lost and found son was like a polite and cold sojourner, actively avoiding intersections with them. Except for meal time, Qin Mu either stayed in the room or went to the library. He would greet them when they entered and left the house, wash the dishes after meals, do his own laundry, and tidy up the room, but he would not show any intimacy to them, nor would he say unnecessary words or smile.
Qin Aihua and Zheng Yan couldn’t understand why Qin Mu was like this, but Shen Liu understood very well, because his relationship with Shen Lan was also gradually fading.
Children’s feelings are delicate and fragile things, like blue and white porcelain that needs to be carefully cared for. However, many parents don’t care. They always smash everything with their self-righteous hammers and then blame their children for being too sensitive, too caring, too stingy, and too vulnerable. Qin Mu has completely lost trust in his parents, and this parent-child relationship has long been in name only.
Shen Liu regularly takes Qin Mu to see a psychologist every week. He knew that Qin Mu had a great yearning for K, so he often took him to K University, visited the library, and enrolled him in a few interesting elective classes, trying his best to ignite his passion for life.
The application to change Qin Mu’s guardian had once again been rejected. Qin Mu was taken back home by his parents.
Shen Liu had visited him at home a few times. The Qin household was filled with a stiff and forced harmony.
After seeing their son stand before the court and recount all he had suffered with a trembling voice. He tried hard to be steady. Qin Aihua and Zheng Yan finally believed that at least 70-80% of it was true and hung their heads in belated regret.
Fortunately, their son had come back in the end. On one hand, they wanted to mend the fragile parent-child relationship; on the other, they hoped to ease the guilt that had been festering in their hearts. Their attitude had shifted noticeably. Zheng Yan no longer cursed and grumbled at home, and Qin Aihua stopped wearing a perpetually cold expression. For the first time since their marriage, the two of them had set aside their past grievances and joined hands to create a ‘harmonious and loving’ family atmosphere for their child. They treated Qin Mu with a clumsy and awkward gentleness, tiptoeing around his emotions. They avoided bringing up the past, no longer tried to control his every move, and carefully steered clear of any discussions about sexual orientation. However, their deliberate restraint only made things more unnatural.
What puzzled them was that Qin Mu didn’t buy into any of it. The son they had lost and regained now acted like a polite but distant sojourner, consciously avoiding any interactions with them. Other than mealtimes, Qin Mu either stayed in his room or went to the library. He greeted them when they came or went, did the dishes after meals, washed his own clothes, and kept his room tidy. But he never showed any warmth, never said anything unnecessary, and never smiled.
Qin Aihua and Zheng Yan couldn’t understand why Qin Mu was like this, but Shen Liu understood all too well. This was exactly how things had gradually unraveled between him and Shen Lan.
A child’s emotions were always delicate and fragile, like porcelain that needed to be handled with great care. Yet many parents didn’t care at all. They used what they believed were righteous hammers to smash everything to pieces, then turned around and blamed the child for being too sensitive, too particular, too petty, too fragile. Qin Mu had completely lost trust in his parents. That parent-child relationship had long since become one in name only.
Shen Liu took Qin Mu to see a psychologist regularly every week. He knew Qin Mu was drawn to K University, so he often brought him there to walk around the campus, hang out in the library, sit in on interesting elective classes, and did his best to rekindle Qin Mu’s passion for life.
Qin Mu was also working hard. He took his medication on time, forced himself to live by the routine prescribed by his doctor, got up early to exercise and ran at night to tire himself out, leaving no room for aimless thoughts and that was how he combated his sleep disorder. He endured and waited for adulthood.
In this way, the three members of the Qin family, like trees in a forest exhibiting ‘crown shyness1a natural phenomenon where the crowns(top branches and leaves) of a fully grown trees avoid touching each other, forming visible gaps in the canopy.‘. Each drew invisible boundaries between themselves and the others, achieving a strange kind of peace.
This superficial calm lasted until Qin Mu’s eighteenth birthday. Qin Aihua had gone out of his way to buy him an expensive pair of running shoes, learning his son’s shoe size for the first time. Zheng Yan had ordered a twelve-inch cream cake and cooked a tableful of dishes Qin Mu liked. Worried the atmosphere would be too cold, they suggested he invite some friends over to liven things up.
By dinnertime, the only guest to arrive was Shen Liu. He had come on purpose because he knew what Qin Mu was about to do.
The meal felt like the quiet before a storm, filled with a terrifying stillness. After everyone had set down their chopsticks, Qin Mu placed a kraft paper envelope on the table and slowly spoke.
“Dad, Mom, I’m an adult now. From today on, I’ve decided to live independently. I’ve found a place to stay, my things are packed, and I’ll be moving out tonight. This is the compensation the court awarded me. I don’t have an income yet, and living on my own requires some expenses, so I’ve taken five thousand from it. The remaining thirty thousand is for you. They say the kindness of being raised can’t be measured in money, but this is all I can do for now. Once I start working, I’ll send you money regularly. I can’t predict the amount yet, but I won’t go back on my word.”
“What did you say… Where are you going?” Zheng Yan stared at him in disbelief, stammering. “You… you’re moving out?”
“Yes,” Qin Mu answered.
Qin Aihua’s face turned grim. He fixed his eyes on his son and asked, “What do you want now? Are you rebelling? You suffered at that school, so what? It’s all our fault? If you had just studied properly and hadn’t gotten involved in that disgusting gay stuff, your mother wouldn’t have panicked and sent you to that kind of place. Wasn’t she doing it for your own good?” The more he spoke, the angrier he became. “Whose kid didn’t grow up getting beaten and scolded? And it wasn’t even me or your mom who beat you. Did you really have to take us to court to get even? Fine, you sued us. And after you came back, we’ve been nothing but careful around you, living by your mood, almost burning incense and worshipping you. Still not enough? Tell me, what kind of kid treats his parents like enemies and can’t even be bothered to speak to them? Who threatens to run away from home every time something happens? Someone says a few words and you’re ready to leave. What do you think you’re capable of, huh? You think you’re going to make something of yourself by following those people?”
In his fury, Qin Aihua even dragged Shen Liu into his rant.
Shen Liu raised his eyebrows and was visibly annoyed, but swallowed the sarcasm that had risen to his throat. He was never one to hold back with his words, but before entering the house, Qin Mu had told him that no matter what happened, he wanted to handle it himself. So Shen Liu could only force himself to stay silent, silently accepting the label of ‘instigator’.
Qin Mu seemed to have expected everything in advance. He calmly asked, “Then, what is it that you want from me?”
“Bullshit! We raised you, and now you think we’re scheming to get something from you?” Qin Aihua slammed the table in fury, making the bowls and plates clatter from the impact.
Qin Mu looked up at him. “Now that we’ve come to this, why don’t we lay everything out in the open? Ever since I was old enough to understand, I’ve tried my best to live according to your expectations. I was afraid of your fights, the cold wars, the smashing of pots and dishes. I lived every day in fear and anxiety. I studied desperately because when my grades were good, Mom would be happy, and the atmosphere at home would ease up a little. I obeyed everything. I didn’t make friends because I wasn’t allowed to, didn’t read extracurricular books, didn’t listen to music. That was how I tried to please you. I was supposed to be a perfect creation shaped by so-called ‘motherly love.’ But unfortunately, this creation turned out flawed.”
His fingers resting on his lap were curled tightly and trembled slightly from the strain as he struggled to suppress his emotions and keep his tone steady. “My sexual orientation became an indelible stain in your eyes, and so you discarded me like a defective product. In that hell, I kept asking myself: Who am I? What am I supposed to become? Eventually, I figured it out. What my mother loved and wanted was just a false illusion. That wasn’t me—it was a projection she desperately constructed to compensate for her failed life. But I can’t bring myself to hate her, because I understand why she became that way. And I know who made her that way.”
His gaze shifted to Qin Aihua. His breath quickened, and a flush of suppressed red tinged the corners of his eyes. “I remember back in elementary school, there was a composition assignment called ‘My Dad.’ I held the pen for a long time and couldn’t write a single word, because in my mind, my father was only someone who sat in front of the TV with crossed legs, drinking and eating peanuts. But I still got a high score on that essay because I wrote about my imaginary dad—someone who would take me on outings, play ball with me, care for me and protect me. I never understood why you would rather waste energy arguing than do a bit of housework, why you dumped all the burdens of life onto her shoulders, why you completely ignored me. And more than that, I couldn’t understand if you don’t like kids, why have one? If there’s no love in the marriage, why not divorce? Later, I understood. It’s because you care about saving your face. You are afraid that if you lack one of your wife and son, others will look down on you. But before you praise other people’s kids, shouldn’t you ask yourself if you’ve ever been a decent father like them?”
“You… ungrateful little bastard!” Qin Aihua exploded with rage, standing up and raising his hand for a slap.
Qin Mu didn’t move. His fists were clenched tightly, but in that moment, he suddenly felt a sense of relief.
He thought, Go ahead. Hit me. Maybe it’s better if you do.
But before the slap could land, Shen Liu caught Qin Aihua’s hand. The young man said coldly, “If you’ve got something to say, then say it. But if you hit him, I won’t stand by.”
“And who the hell do you think you are?!” Qin Aihua tried to jerk his arm free, but he wasn’t strong enough to break free from the younger man’s grip. His face flushed with anger. “Let go!”
Shen Liu shoved him back forcefully before releasing his grip. Qin Aihua stumbled and fell back into his chair. Humiliated and furious, he said, “Get out! If you want to leave, go! I’ll just pretend I never raised a son like you!”
Qin Mu stood up. Zheng Yan rushed over, grabbed his arm, and sobbed, “No! I don’t agree! You can’t move out! You’re still so young and you can’t possibly live on your own! Just stay home, okay? From now on, you can do whatever you want, I won’t try to control you anymore, alright? Everything I did was for you… I really did it all for your own good…”
Qin Mu was being shaken by her, his eyes half-lowered, as if they held two hollow voids. “You say it was all for my good, but why didn’t I get better? You used those words as an excuse every time you hurt me. Don’t you think that’s cruel? I’ll never become the person you want me to be. If you’re so disappointed in me, then take this life back.”
He picked up the fruit knife on the table and pulled it out of its sheath.
Shen Liu immediately grabbed his wrist and said firmly, “Qin Mu, don’t do anything stupid. Let go.”
The sharp blade glinted silver. Qin Mu stared at Zheng Yan and asked, “Is this what you want?”
Zheng Yan was terrified and shook her head, crying, “Put it down… please put it down…”
Qin Mu let go. The fruit knife clattered onto the table. Zheng Yan collapsed to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably.
“Crazy. You’re all crazy!” Qin Aihua stormed out, face dark, slamming the door behind him.
Qin Mu quietly turned back into the house, picked up his packed suitcase, and walked out the door amidst Zheng Yan’s sobs. Shen Liu helped him load the suitcase into the taxi. Noticing that Qin Mu kept staring at the window, Shen Liu patted his shoulder and said, “I’ll go back and say a few words.”
Back inside, he crouched down in front of the still-crying Zheng Yan and said, “Auntie, after being locked up in that place for so long, he’s developed some psychological issues. The doctor also recommended that he live in a new environment, so leaving home isn’t a bad thing. I’ll take care of him, so you don’t have to worry too much. Some things just need time to heal. The bond between you and your son isn’t beyond repair, but right now, you need to wait for him to heal first.”
He wrote down a landline number for her. “This is how you can contact me. Call if you need anything.”
Zheng Yan nodded numbly, wiped her tears, and accepted the number. Only then did Shen Liu leave with peace of mind.
The engine roared to life, and that familiar window grew smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. Qin Mu seemed to see a silent young boy standing at the window, sorrowfully watching him leave.
It was his younger self saying goodbye to him.
On the day he became an adult, Qin Mu severed ties with his birth family and set out on an independent path. From that moment on, he had the right to make his own choices and the duty to bear all the consequences.
Fortunately, he was not alone. Shen Liu was by his side.
Qin Mu hadn’t brought much; all he brought were a few books and some changes of clothes. Shen Liu bought him the daily essentials. When Qin Mu said he would pay him back, Shen Liu scoffed, “With what money? You barely have enough for tuition and living expenses.”
Qin Mu had no choice but to let it go and silently noted down every expense. He was planning to return to school once the term began. Shen Liu was worried he would face discrimination if he went back to his old school and tried to convince him to transfer.
“The Affiliated High School has strong teachers, good facilities, and a high college acceptance rate. It’s one of the best in all of K City. Besides, I’m already used to how things are taught there,” Qin Mu said, sitting cross-legged on the carpet, flipping through a math book. “A secret can’t be kept forever. Even if I transfer, word about me being gay will spread eventually. No matter where I go, people will talk. I’ll just ignore it, it’s not a big deal.”
Shen Liu, who was cramming calculus on the sofa, teased, “Pretty open-minded, aren’t you, Little Log? You’ve missed so many classes, think you can keep up? Want your gege to tutor you?”
Qin Mu gave him a sidelong glance. “How about you go take a shower first? You stink of sweat.”
“Tsk, getting bold now, huh? Complaining about your big brother! Taste the wrath of my invisible athlete’s foot!” Shen Liu lifted his leg and stuck his foot toward him.
Qin Mu smacked it away and played along, “Dragon-Subduing Palm, one out of ten hits so far.”
Shen Liu, now fully in play mode, hooked his arm around Qin Mu’s neck from behind. “Great Locking Hand!”
Qin Mu suddenly gripped his arm tightly, his voice trembling. “…Let go.”
Shen Liu didn’t move. Qin Mu struggled hard and flung him onto the sofa. After catching his breath, he lowered his head and muttered, “Sorry.”
“What’s there to apologise for?” Shen Liu replied casually. “Didn’t you slap me last time? Being able to hold back this time is progress.”
Feeling guilty, Qin Mu tried to lighten the mood with a small smile. “What do you want to eat? I’ll make it.”
“Diced stir-fry, please.”
Once Qin Mu had gone into the kitchen, Shen Liu quietly rubbed the back of his head where he had hit it earlier and sighed: a prickly little creature like this really is hard to care for.
T/N:
Previously I said the nickname is blockhead but after reading their dynamics in the past few chapters, I see that the nickname is too harsh and decided to change it to Little Log, I will be changing the notes and also the chapter nickname too
Also sorry again for the barely there updates… I’ve been busy because I will be moving and also my laptop is kinda broken and it limited me to use it until it gets fixed (•̀⤙•́ )
But I hope when all things are done and fixed I can translate again a lot!
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