When Shen Liu was young, he was very high-profile, one of the most prominent figures at K University. Yet in matters of love, he was very discreet; aside from a small handful of people in the know, he never mentioned his relationship with Qin Mu to outsiders, nor did he ever display affection in public.
This was not because he deliberately wanted to hide anything.
Although Shen Liu seemed approachable, deep down, he carried an arrogance that looked down on the world. He was like a lion lazily basking on a rock, indifferent to the herbivores frolicking before him, baring his fangs and only revealing his wild dominance when provoked. A man like that did not care about the opinions of others.
Qin Mu knew that Shen Liu’s discretion was to protect him.
The broader society was still not tolerant enough toward homosexuality. Many people, at the mere mention of it, would blurt out the word ‘disgusting’. Even in the relatively open environment of a university campus, hostility toward homosexuals was not uncommon. Shen Liu was unafraid of these things, but he feared Qin Mu might be affected. He knew the hardships Qin Mu had suffered, the pain he had endured, and how difficult his journey had been. He did not want Qin Mu to once again face cold stares, reproach, or silent hurt. So he used a hard shell to wrap Qin Mu securely, allowing him to dwell peacefully in a safe and fitting little world, much like a snail.
Qin Mu, in turn, loved Shen Liu with unwavering devotion. He was ready to put on a suit and go before God himself to vow never to part for the rest of his life. But sometimes he deliberately restrained his feelings, not wanting Shen Liu to feel pressure or burden. Everyone, when facing the one they loved, would be anxious and uncertain. All the more so since Qin Mu’s nature still carried the inferiority planted in his childhood. Even though he tried to restrain and adjust himself, he could not help but imagine what would happen if one day Shen Liu no longer loved him.
He believed in the freedom of love and did not wish to shackle their relationship with chains. However, he did not know if he could let go with grace and offer blessings when the time truly came to part. After all, that was far too difficult.
But Qin Mu’s worry never came to pass. Shen Liu, hand in hand with him, withstood the test of time. Their love, like wine buried beneath a tree, grew ever more pure and mellow. They had fallen into the habit of caring for one another, looking after each other. Sometimes, without a word, just a glance could make the other understand completely. Feiyan jokingly said the two of them had ‘already stepped into the old married couple stage ahead of time’. Between the two ‘old husbands’ there were still many little intimacies that could not be spoken of, weaving everyday life into something tender, romantic, and poetic.
In the blink of an eye, Shen Liu reached his senior year, arriving at another crossroads in life. After much thought, he decided to stay on and be directly admitted into K University’s graduate program. When Qin Mu heard the news, he was overjoyed. That night, he wrapped himself around Shen Liu, chattering on and on about their future, until he was thoroughly worn out twice before finally falling asleep, exhausted.
Just as this little boat of love was cutting through the waves toward hope, a strange current drifted in with the wind.
That year, during the Spring Festival, Shen Liu went home, only returning just before the new semester began. After that, the phone calls started to increase. Qin Mu noticed that sometimes he would deliberately avoid him when answering. Once, when Qin Mu went to collect the laundry, he overheard Shen Liu on the balcony, clutching his phone and arguing with someone. His tone was so cold and hard that it was frightening. Qin Mu worried that he had encountered a complicated matter, but Shen Liu deflected the topic with just a few words.
Qin Mu trusted him completely. He thought that since Shen Liu said nothing, it meant he was capable of handling it properly, and he should not dig deeper. Yet after being together for so long, they could read the subtlest changes in each other’s emotions. Qin Mu sensed the anxiety that Shen Liu was straining to suppress. He tried to gently confide to his lover that no matter what happened, he was willing to shoulder it with him, but Shen Liu still said nothing.
Not only that, he even disappeared.
That evening, the two had agreed to meet at the library. Shen Liu never came, and when Qin Mu called, his phone was switched off. The longer he waited, the more panicked he became. He hurried back home, only to find the room empty.
Shen Liu did not come back that night, and Qin Mu did not sleep a wink. Through the registration number on Shen Liu’s student record, he managed to contact his family, but the person on the other end said coldly that Shen Liu had gone home. Not only that, he was not feeling well and could not take calls before hanging up. Within two days, news came from the academic office: Shen Liu had requested a month of medical leave. The whole situation was far too strange. Qin Mu did not know why he had left without a word. On the one hand, he reassured himself that if Shen Liu was home then he must be safe; on the other hand, he worried whether he had truly fallen seriously ill. He even had the thought of flying to J City to look for him, only to discover that the address in the student record—’No. 512 Wang Hai Road, Wushan District, J City’—did not exist at all.
And just like that, Shen Liu disappeared from Qin Mu’s world.
During that period, Qin Mu was like a soul lost. He was plagued by nightmares, consumed by worry, unable to sleep at night, counting the days like a child waiting for the New Year. But when the sick leave expired, he still had not returned. He called that number again, but no matter how many times, it never connected.
The bottomless waiting hollowed Qin Mu out. In a month and a half, he lost ten pounds. He felt as if he had been cast into a barren wilderness, surrounded by desolation on all sides, with no way out and no hope in sight.
Just as he was on the verge of breaking, that person finally came back.
On a rainy afternoon, Qin Mu forced himself to sit for an exam. After leaving the hall, when he turned on his phone, he saw a text notification of a missed call from an unfamiliar number. He called back and heard a long-lost voice.
“Log.”
Qin Mu froze, suspecting he was hallucinating. Cautiously, he asked, “Shen Liu?”
The other gave a quiet hum.
Qin Mu’s hand gripped the phone so tightly his knuckles turned white. He was trembling, his breath uneven. “Where are you? How are you? You…” His vision blurred, and scalding tears welled up, spilling down his cheeks.
“I’m at the south gate.” Perhaps the signal was poor, because Shen Liu’s voice faded in and out.
“Don’t hang up!” Qin Mu said urgently. He broke into a run toward the south, nearly crashing into people along the way. When he burst through the south gate of the campus, his heart pounded as if it would leap out of his chest. He looked around frantically, panting, and asked, “Where are you?”
“To your right.”
Qin Mu turned his head and saw a black unlicensed car that ferried passengers slowly lower its rear window. From within emerged the face he had longed for day and night. Shen Liu looked somewhat haggard, with messy stubble on his chin. He spoke: “Get in, we’ll talk inside.”
Opening the back door, Qin Mu immediately noticed the glaringly obvious cast on his right leg. Shocked and distressed, he asked, “What happened to your leg?”
“It’s nothing.” Shen Liu patted the seat, signalling him to sit, then raised his hand to touch Qin Mu’s gaunt cheek. He asked softly, “You haven’t been eating properly, have you?”
Qin Mu could not hold back any longer. He seized his hand, eyes reddened, and asked, “What on earth happened? What did you run into? No matter what it is, you can tell me. I am… the closest person to you.”
Shen Liu gazed at him, his eyes gentle yet profound, like a sea drenched in moonlight. Qin Mu sensed the emotions hidden within—too complex, too intense, impossible to untangle, like a volcanic eruption in the deep ocean, mountain-shaking and earth-splitting, yet known to no one. Just as Qin Mu tried to discern it, he heard him speak.
“Log, let’s run away together. Leave everything behind, just go with me.”
Shen Liu’s words were soft and slow, like smoke that would scatter with the faintest breeze.
Qin Mu was stunned. For a moment, the sudden shock and confusion in his eyes gradually faded, like a lake revealed after the mist had lifted, showing its clear essence.
He understood.
This was, in fact, a question.
Academics, life, friends, family, their little apartment… I am going to abandon it all, to go to the ends of the earth, to places unknown. Will you go with me?
“Yes.”
He took less than a minute to make a decision that would affect the rest of his life.
Hearing this answer, Shen Liu’s gaze trembled, the corners of his eyes tinged with a restrained redness. He pulled his lips into a faint smile, carrying both the comfort of long-held certainty and an unspoken sorrow.
“Driver, take us to the bus terminal,” he said to the driver.
Qin Mu understood Shen Liu. He was a man of meticulous thought, thorough and careful in all things, always leaving room in his dealings with others, seldom taking reckless risks. When confronted with problems, he dared to take responsibility, never shirking, and his mind was always full of solutions. Even with the enemy at the gates, he could dig out a way to live from layers of encirclement. He would not have come to this step unless he had been driven into a dead end.
“Let’s run away together” was his final choice.
At such a time, even if what lay ahead was a bottomless abyss, Qin Mu still wanted to stand at his side.
Qin Mu felt that his life was like a tree. Before meeting Shen Liu, he had grown muddle-headed and aimless, trimmed and cut at others’ will, battered by storm and gale. It was this man who had saved him from the mire, who had protected him with care, shielding him from the wind and rain, who had given him the courage to face both past and future, who had taught him how to love and be loved. The name ‘Shen Liu’ had long been carved stroke by stroke into his heart, fused into his very bones and blood. He could leave everything behind and go with him, without asking for a reason.
As long as they were together, nothing else mattered.
When they boarded the long-distance bus, Qin Mu asked, “Does this count as a spur-of-the-moment trip?”
Shen Liu smiled, turned his head over to rest against his own shoulder, and said, “Sleep. Get a proper rest.”
They rode the bus for two days and one night, and stopped in a small town.
The town had been built along a river, and the scenery was beautiful.
Shen Liu had no money on him, and Qin Mu had only a little more than five hundred yuan left from his work-study savings. They found a small inn to settle in temporarily. After taking a good hot shower and resting for a night, they began planning the days ahead. Sixty yuan a day for the inn was too expensive—they had to find another place to live. Fortunately, the inn’s landlady was kind-hearted. When she heard that they wanted to rent a place, she cleared out the attic above her own small building and rented it to them for three hundred and fifty a month.
Since Shen Liu was inconvenienced by his leg, Qin Mu cleaned up the place, then went to a small supermarket to buy necessities like toothbrushes and cups. When he came back, Shen Liu looked at the bedspread with dragons and phoenixes embroidered in celebration and burst into laughter. “So festive.”
Qin Mu’s ears turned red, and he muttered in embarrassment, “This one was cheaper.”
Shen Liu nodded in agreement. “It looks good. It has a beauty unique to traditional Chinese culture, making you want to do something on it.”
Qin Mu sneered, “You’d better focus on healing your leg first.”
“How can you discriminate against the disabled?” Shen Liu patted the spot beside him. “Stop fussing, Little Log, come sit with your gege for a while.”
Qin Mu kicked his uninjured foot lightly. “If you won’t help, fine, but don’t drag me down.” Though his words were sharp, he still poured him a glass of water before sitting down.
The wind drifted in from the river. Shen Liu held him close, leaned back against the window, and looked up at the drifting clouds in the sky. Like a big cat, he narrowed his eyes and sighed, “The weather is so nice.”
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