Qin Mu had stared blankly at the brass alarm clock for a long time, only snapping back to his senses when Shen Liu, wrapped in a bath towel, stood in front of him. Their gazes collided, and he immediately looked away. “I’ll go wash up.”
“Need any help?” Shen Liu asked with a smile.
Qin Mu ignored him, not even lifting his head as he walked into the bathroom.
The man’s lips curved faintly, but when his eyes shifted to that alarm clock, his gaze gradually turned cold and deep lines etched between his brows.
Time flowed on, the hands drawing faithful circles again and again, yet he had lost the π hidden in his heart, never to be whole again. Even now, the crushing helplessness of those days still seemed to linger within him, a sinister shadow that refused to disperse. Keeping this thing by his side was to constantly remind himself never to repeat the same mistake.
Back then, he had been too young, thinking with reckless courage that he could force Shen Lan to give in—until the day he saw those photos in Shen Yan’s hands.
They were all close-up shots, every detail captured with stark clarity.
“Where did these come from?” He frowned, unease rising within.
“On your dad’s desk,” Shen Yan answered.
“What does he want to do?” His voice flared with anger as he braced against the edge of the bed to get up, but Shen Yan pushed him back down. The movement tugged at his injured leg, and pain drained the colour from his face.
One of the photos slipped to the floor. Frozen in the frame, Qin Mu was standing on the dormitory balcony, the angle suggesting it had been secretly taken from the opposite building. Shen Yan picked it up and asked, “Do you think you can beat him?”
Shen Liu stayed silent.
“You don’t understand him,” Shen Yan said leisurely. “Your youthful rebellion, leaving home to study at K University, making low-class friends, even fooling around with someone of the same sex—he can tolerate all that. Because on the track he has laid for you, those are nothing more than minor detours, unable to change your future’s main course. But he cannot tolerate you derailing completely. As a father, he cannot be harsh with his own child. Breaking your leg was merely an accident in a fit of rage. But with Qin Mu, he will not be so lenient. Qin Mu’s studies, future, life—even his very survival—are all cards in his hand. Any single one of them, you cannot afford to lose. You have no chips in hand, yet you revealed your hidden card too early. So this game was doomed to fail from the start.”
He tossed the photo into Shen Liu’s hands.
“It was you who put Qin Mu in front of the lens. The distance between him and the camera is the distance between him and danger. If you keep clinging to your misguided stubbornness, in the end, you will be the one to harm him.”
Those words landed like a stinging slap across Shen Liu’s face, leaving him dazed. Emotions surged like crashing waves, and he felt as though he were a lone boat adrift in a pitch-dark sea, helpless before a distant lighthouse that was about to go dark. Unconsciously, he clenched the photo tightly, as though trying to hold onto that faint spark in the darkness. “He… he wouldn’t go that far.” His voice was very soft, so soft that it betrayed his wavering and doubt.
“A Shen family son should not be so naive.” Shen Yan’s face was expressionless. “The obstinacy of the weak is meaningless. Before you have the power to fight back, don’t make decisions that will leave you with regret. This is advice—whether you heed it or not is up to you.”
When he finished, he took the envelope of photos and left, leaving only that one photo for Shen Liu.
In the picture, Qin Mu looked slightly thin, his gaze drawn upward as if captivated by a passing bird. He was looking toward the distant sky, and at his collar there was a glimpse of a red string.
Shen Liu knew that at the hidden end of that string was a silver ring, engraved with the digits of π, ending with the initials of their names.
It was their one-year anniversary memento.
They had agreed that when the day came, they would be strong enough not to care about the opinions of others, and they would wear it on their ring fingers.
They had agreed to buy a small house, raise a few cats, and live together.
They had agreed to hold hands and walk through countless years, until the very end of life.
They had agreed…
Daylight spilt through the side window, casting a shadow of gloom across Shen Liu’s features. Half his brows and eyes were lost in the dark, making his expression unreadable. But at the edge of his eyes, caught in the light, a faint redness slowly spread—like a trace of blood suppressed in the depths. Tears broke free despite him, scalding hot as they fell onto the photograph.
He closed his eyes.
The world sank into a dark, silent void. Ancient stars fell one after another, taking with them the last light.
Shen Yan had been right—he could not protect him.
That night, Shen Liu went to see Shen Lan.
The elder sat on the sofa, glanced at his leg, and with a stern face said, “My time is limited. If you’re here to talk about so-called ‘freedom and independence,’ then save it. I’m not interested.”
“I came to make peace.” Shen Liu seemed calm, his tone stripped of its usual aggressiveness, carrying instead a rare sincerity. “Even though we’re father and son, we rarely talk without fighting. We can’t get through two sentences before it turns into an argument, and in the end, we can’t even speak properly. At this point, I don’t expect you to understand me fully, but I also don’t want our relationship as father and son to rot so badly. Today, I want to tell you something from the heart.”
He paused for a moment, unconsciously touching the pendant on his chest through his shirt, as if weighing his words—or perhaps giving himself courage. “I like Qin Mu. I really like him. I like him so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. In all my years, I’ve never liked anyone this much. He is my bottom line. If anyone touches that line… I don’t know what I might do. Maybe I’d collapse, maybe I’d go mad, maybe I’d even die.”
Shen Lan’s eyelid twitched, his face darkening. “Are you threatening me?”
“No. Like I said, I came to make peace.” Shen Liu met his eyes and spoke slowly. “He’s just an outsider—simple, innocent. He doesn’t even know what the Shen family really is. He just happened to meet me, and happened to fall in love with me. Other than that, he has no ulterior motives. You must have investigated him—you should know his hardships, the grievances he had endured. He’s suffered enough. I may not be able to give him happiness, but at the very least, I shouldn’t let him be hurt. So I’ll let him go. I ask you to let him go too. Dad, this is your son’s request to you.”
Shen Lan gave a low and dismissive hum, his expression easing slightly. Coldly, he asked, “And how do you plan to handle this?”
“I need two months. After that, whether it’s studying abroad, marrying whoever you choose, or taking over the family business, I’ll do whatever you say. From then on…” Shen Liu’s lips moved; it took him all his strength to force out the words, “…I’ll have nothing to do with him again.”
Shen Lan frowned. “Two months?”
“Two months in exchange for a lifetime of obedience—surely that’s a fair bargain?” Shen Liu countered.
Shen Lan stared at him for a moment before loosening his stance. “Fine. I’ll give you two months. But if you go back on your word, then I won’t guarantee what might happen.”
Shen Liu tugged the corner of his mouth. “Don’t worry. I never break a promise lightly.”
The next morning, the imprisoned youth was finally allowed to leave the house.
After so many days, when Shen Liu saw the gaunt, broken Qin Mu searching anxiously for him outside the school gates, his chest felt as though it were being torn apart.
But he couldn’t let it show.
He clenched his teeth, forcing every ounce of sorrow, pain, and unwillingness deep down into his heart. Those emotions raged like wild beasts, screaming and thrashing, and holding them back nearly drained him completely.
He said, “Log, let’s run away together. Forget everything else—let’s just go.”
Yet inside his body, another voice was shouting—Hit me, Log. Slap me. Drive me away.
He saw Qin Mu’s confusion. But only for an instant. Then, the man said, “Okay.”
Side by side on horseback, not asking about the future.
To have someone who shared the same heart, what more could he ask for in this life?
Shen Liu’s tears almost spilt out. He could only lower his head awkwardly, avoiding Qin Mu’s gaze.
They went to Tingyun Town, a place that was so beautiful it felt like a paradise untouched by the world.
Before the farewell he had long planned arrived, every moment they spent together was all the more precious. The wind over the river, the clouds at the edge of the sky, the person before his eyes, even that pile of fish waiting to be cleaned in the pond — all of them made Shen Liu reluctant to let go. Sometimes, when he looked at Qin Mu’s back, he would wonder—what would happen after he left? Would he cry? Who would comfort him, who would take care of him? Would he meet someone better than him? Would he love that person the way he loved him?
When the thoughts became unbearable, he would turn to the window and pretend to watch the television in the building opposite.
Time was a thief of exquisite craft, stealing away youth and slipping soundlessly past the front and back of the house. Shen Yan arrived as promised to bring down the curtain on this self-directed and self-performed play.
Shen Yan asked, “Why must you force him to be the one to propose breaking up?”
Shen Liu answered, “So that he won’t cling to me. Qin Mu is very fragile, and that fragility comes from the inferiority he felt in his youth. If I were the one to abandon him, he would continue to question whether he wasn’t good enough, and spiral endlessly into self-denial. Yet at the same time, he possesses a resilience that ordinary people don’t. When he believes something is worthwhile, he will give it everything, sparing no effort and paying any price. If you give him a clear reason, letting him choose to break up ‘for my sake’, then he won’t bear such a heavy sense of guilt, and he’ll be able to adjust faster and step into a new life. And also…” Shen Liu tossed the leaf in his hand into the pond, lowered his gaze, and said, “If he were the one who left me, then he would remember me for the rest of his life.”
The leaf spun on the water, swaying with the ripples.
Shen Yan sighed. “I truly don’t know if you’re merciful or cruel.”
Later, Shen Liu saw Qin Mu’s lost and broken figure in the heavy rain. He saw the struggle and reluctance in Qin Mu’s eyes, and he also saw the redness rimmed around Qin Mu’s eyes after drinking. His heart felt as if it had been pierced through, a blunt blade pulling back and forth through the wound, tearing flesh and blood. Yet he insisted on pretending to know nothing, watching with open eyes as Qin Mu suffered in pain.
He said, ‘May my Little Log eat plenty of good food from now on and always be happy.’
He said, ‘All right, you’ve grown up, I won’t care for you anymore.’
He said, ‘Eat more, don’t always endure hunger.’
He said, ‘Kiss me.’
He said many things, but the one thing he never dared to say was “I love you.” Those three words were carved into his heart, yet could never again be spoken aloud.
Shen Liu finally got his wish—he heard that sentence, “Let’s break up.”
He closed his eyes and thought, perhaps this heart-rending pain would only come once in this lifetime. From now on, his heart would be dead and would never hurt again.
When they parted, the rain poured down in torrents. Qin Mu’s figure disappeared in the rearview mirror. At last, Shen Liu clutched the ring hanging over his chest and silently began to cry.
You were the gentleness in my gaze, you were the immortality in my heart, you were nearly the whole reason I loved this world.*
But I had no strength to keep you. All I had left was what once was. May you have everything from here on.
Author’s Note:
*Quoted from Milan Kundera’s Immortality
T/N:
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