Month: September 2022 (Page 4 of 4)

       One day earlier, Xie Chenmin called all his relatives and friends, including his relatives, friends, colleagues and classmates, and of course the three outstanding roommates.

       The ‘Anti-Xie Chenmin Federation’ group chat was still there. It was just that there were fewer chat days and they were not frequently in contact.

       They didn’t know I’m dead yet.

       He had the loudspeaker on, and the volume was turned up to maximum. He moved Zhaocai’s small bowl of dog food to his feet to attract the big dog to him, and as he talked, Xie Chenmin would pet its white head.

       It was like he was about to share the blessings on the other side of these phones with someone.

       Zhao Cai didn’t mind him picking its food for his poor sake.

       I heard each one of them.

       He said, Lin Chu and I are getting married.

       They said.

       It’s amazing, Xie Chenmin, how did you get Lin ge to agree? Have you recorded it? Hurry up and send it to me so I can listen to it.

       If it was legal to throw those who did PDA in the future, would I still be able to live in the future?

       Hope you get a child soon and long and prosperous life for Min ge and Lin ge.

       Xie Chenmin rubbed Zhaocai’s head and said, Thank you guys.

       I heard an uncharacteristic silence on the other side of each call for a while. It was not just a coincidence, but a four-year tacit understanding. Then they all asked, Min ge, what’s the matter with you?

       The former Xie Chenmin would rant and tell them one by one to go back, and then make an appointment to have a meal together when he was happy. In short, he was not the type to say thank you.

       They agreed to ‘No words of thanks between great love’, and they would be punished for saying the word ‘thank you’.

       Xie Chenmin said that he was happy, so happy that he was a bit nervous.

       The silence was eased for a while, and they seemed to think that Xie Chenmin’s reaction was a mature reaction after years of hard-working, just like how one understood reading Chinese literature, and the feeling of perseverance under a thousand hardships to get to this point.

       They asked, What about Lin ge?

       He said, He was asleep.

       They said, It’s already bright outside, quick, tell Lin ge to get up and answer the phone.

       Xie Chenmin laughed, How dare I.

       Eventually, they relaxed and said, Aiyo, the years have thinned Min ge’s skin.

       I heard a long silence from his relatives, some of them said to take care of himself, while others just hung up the phone.

       I heard voices from the other side of the phone interspersed with scattered cool rain or awkward, hypocritical pandering.

       But Xie Chenmin was consistent, the first sentence after dialling was that ‘Lin Chu and I were getting married.’

       I didn’t really know what he was making these calls for, I just watched from the sidelines as he finished and stayed in place for a long time.

       Zhaocai licked his fingers.

       He regained his senses, looked at Zhaocai, and dialled the phone again.

       He said to his mother, Mom, please look after Zhaocai for me for a few days.

       His mother didn’t ask any further questions, only said, Okay.

       She added another sentence, Don’t let it be alone for too long, it is smart and it will miss people.

       Xiao Chu has left, it will be good for it to keep you company.

       I saw Xie Chenmin’s black pupils staring outward aimlessly in a daze, then turned to Zhaocai who was at hand.

       Zhaocai looked at him, his tongue twitched and his head tilted.

       He said, Oh.

       Zhaocai does miss people.

       Until now, it still hid the blanket that Jinbao sleeps on his stomach in its bed and wouldn’t let anyone move it.

       After welcoming Xie Chenmin back every day, he would habitually turn his head to the door and wait for a while.

       I remember when he gave it to me, it was still very small. It was so smart that it cowered in fear of being thrown away again in a strange environment.

       Xie Chenmin said, Chu, wait for me for a few years, and I will go to your city.

       When you’re alone, let this little guy keep you company.

       By the way, it is called Lin Zhaocai.

       I think this guy could remember my body heat and smell. On every night when he had nightmares, he always liked to whimper his white dog head into my elbow.

       My coworkers asked me if I was single.

       I said, No.

       They said, How come I haven’t seen you with anyone?

       I said, He is not in this city.

       They laughed and advised me that a long-distance relationship would not last long.

       I said, En.

       He was not in this city, but he was by my side.

       Zhaocai looked miserably like Xie Chenmin. As a eskimo dog, it has the energy to open things apart like a silly and cute husky. Every day when it woke me up with its tail and tongue, I feel like some idiot never left.

       ……

       Xie Chenmin hung up the phone and said to Zhaocai, Are you afraid of being alone?

       Zhaocai’s black eyes looked at him in confusion.

       He thought about it and said something else, Are you afraid to be the only dog?

       He didn’t know if Zhaocai understood, but it gave a woof anyway.

       Xie Chenmin stole a piece of dog food from Zhaocai’s bowl to reward it. He stroked the dog’s head and said, Me too.

       I didn’t know how that feels like either. It was like swallowing a glass of ice water on a cold, miserable night, the hysterical coldness stinging my internal organs and freezing my throbbing blood.

       I stretched out my stiff and empty hand in a vain attempt to touch his head.

       Xie Chenmin suddenly stood up and his body passed through my palm, and I probably touched his living heart there.

       He said, Wait here for a moment.

       Zhaocai gave a woof. and his eyes reflected the figure of Xie Chenmin rushing out.

       ……

       I remembered working overtime on my birthday that year.

       I was so busy that I didn’t have time to glance at my phone.

       It was not until the city’s heavy traffic circulate the cage of steel¹the car… it was a car… normally that I just realized how deep the night was.

       I just remembered that it was my birthday today.

       The evening was a little cold. The tip of my nose was a little red from the cold, and I finally had time to take out my phone, which I had forgotten to charge yesterday and still had a pitiful one-tenth of the battery left.

       Xie Chenmin hadn’t spoken all day.

       I remembered that yesterday he said he had something going on tomorrow and he might not be able to return my messages in time.

       He probably forgot, and with his busy schedule, the significance of the day was not as important as it could have been. I put my phone away, wrapped up my clothes and caught the last subway train.

       The light and shadow outside the window were more beautiful than people’s life, but I couldn’t appreciate these bustling arts. I just felt it was noisy and took a short nap with my head tilted.

       I arrived home as usual and met Xie Chenmin.

       He was sitting on the stairs in front of my rental house. He sat quietly, like a stray dog that had been abandoned.

       He saw me from afar, didn’t speak, kept his eyes on me, and stared sulkily at me as I approached.

       I phrased my words for a moment and said, I thought you had something to do, why are you here?

       He was still sitting on the stairs, and looked up at me.

       I thought I saw some anger in his eyes.

       He shoved the box he was holding into my arms and said coldly, I have two days off today and tomorrow to wish you a happy birthday.

       I said, What’s wrong with you.

       He said, I’m going back.

       I was puzzled, grabbed his wrist, and said, Where are you going? If you have a day off, you can stay here tonight.

       He said, I’m here to break up with you.

       My heart skipped a beat, then choked on my chest, and I could only say, What?

       Xie Chenmin said, Let go of me.

       I held on to him, and asked suspiciously, Can you explain clearly what’s going on?

       He took a deep breath and said, I am very angry with Lin Chu now.

       I had never felt so afraid, and I had never thought about where Xie Chenmin’s anger came from. I just tried to grab the straw that could save me, pretending to be indifferent, Today is my birthday, if you want to break up, don’t do it today, yeah?

       Xie Chenmin turned his head to look at me, and said, Lin Chu, how heartless of you.

       He said, You said it yourself, what did you promise me?

       It’s half past eleven and you just came back.

       Who assured me that he didn’t have night shifts.

       The neighbour’s aunt said that you don’t come home until ten o’clock almost every day.

       You lie to me every day.

       You also know it’s your birthday. Why don’t you come back half an hour later and get the “no return for one night” achievement?

       How appetizing the computer is, you should follow it in your next life, what do you need me for?

       Breakup.

       The ellipsis floated in my mind again after many years. Embarrassed, I swallowed a heart that was suspended in midair.

       I said, Xie Chenmin, just say everything you need to say, can you stop the weirdness?

       He said, I’ve been waiting for you since the time you lied to me about getting off work. The more I wait, the more I get angry.

       He got angry himself and calmed down his anger, and complained, What’s with your attitude? You can’t keep me?

       Well, I won’t break up with you today. Tomorrow we will be strangers and we don’t know each other. You will take me to the station the day after tomorrow.

       I couldn’t help but laugh.

       I laughed until some tears came out of my eyes.

       He said, Be serious with me.

       This bastard scared the crap out of me.

       I opened the door and said, Come in, stranger.

       Xie Chenmin came in like a balloon that hadn’t fully deflated and looked at the little Zhaocai who was wagging his tail to greet me and licking my palm. He couldn’t bear it. He said to me awkwardly, I missed you, Chu.

       I said, I miss you too.

       Xie Chenmin’s anger instantly disappeared.

       Then it was time for me to settle my score with this stranger.

       If it wasn’t for this joking tantrum of his, I wouldn’t have known that Xie Chenmin was so important to me.

       The slightest omen of losing him terrified me.

       I looked at him who was unpacking the cake box for me and thought to myself: How can someone be so nice and so stupid?

       His roommate said that he quit gaming and studied hard almost every day. He said he was also a man with a dream now, and it was in another city.

       He ran from there to me, clutching a custom-made handmade cake, and waited at the cold door from 7 pm until 11 pm.

       After he lost his temper, he carefully observed my expression, for fear that I would be angry at his momentary irrationality.

       He never thought to blame me.

       My eyes cooled down a bit, and nothing unusual could be seen under the light of a candle.

       Xie Chenmin sang the birthday song to me with Zhaocai. He sang unexpectedly well, but the man was never a well-behaved guy. He sang and kissed me on the cheek in a mischievous manner.

       He touched a cool line of tears.

       He was a little surprised and said, Chu.

       I said, Don’t you say a word.

       Before the candlelight went out, I made a wish, a wish for a world with him in it.

       I forgot what the cake tasted like, I just remember being a little crazy that day.

       I could hear him leaning down, panting heavily in my ear, saying, Chu, do you want to take a break?

       I said, Can you do it or not? If not, I’ll do it instead.

       He said, Give me a break.

       ……

       Xie Chenmin bought a cake and came back, and cut two pieces for Zhaocai.

       Zhaocai took one piece back to his bed, put it on the blanket where the kitten used to sleep, panted and ran back, and ate the other piece by himself beside him.

       Xie Chenmin said, Do you know how to sing?

       Zhaocai said, Woof, woof.

       Xie Chenmin sang.

       He looked at the candlelight and said, Happy birthday.

       The candlelight cut out his look, his voice, and reflected on my nothingness as it slowly began to take shape.

       It was past twelve, it was my birthday, my first seventh days of death.

       Although I am the only one who can see myself in my present form.

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       He had a great mother.

       After her husband passed away when Xie Chenmin was very young, she raised Xie Chenmin while working hard outside the home, and still managed to keep the family prosperous.

       The first time he told me he was going to take me to see his mother, I suddenly felt more nervous than ever.

       I was surprised and said, Your mother approved?

       He said, Our mother.

       I was silent for a long time.

       Since my mother came to our school at that time, rumours whether it was true or false had been flying around and had reached my family, only making their impression on Xie Chenmin more strict.

       I was very upset about my parents.

       I wanted to respect them, but they never seemed to respect my thoughts and wishes.

       What I was unhappy about was why Xie Chenmin had to be that unbearable in their minds.

       I am their son, and they love me, so shouldn’t Xie Chenmin be the child that his parents hold in their hearts?

       I was a bit afraid to face Mother Xie.

       At that time, he was studying in postgraduate school and I was working. My city was closer to his home and I went there by myself by high-speed train.

       But the night before yesterday, I was pulled by a colleague for a BBQ, and I ate some spicy food. Then my throat became inflamed, and my tonsils were so swollen that I couldn’t speak.

       I could feel that Xie Chenmin was about to die of worry through the text on WeChat. I felt like a child who was travelling for the first time and was questioned all the way to the destination.

       I turned on Do Not Disturb when I was annoyed.

       Mother Xie was someone with a few words, so I didn’t know why Xie Chenmin was so talkative.

       Mother Xie just said “Come here” when I arrived.

       Then she poured me a cup of hot water and gave me a few anti-inflammatory pills.

       She said, Chenmin said, your throat is not good.

       I hummed.

       I remembered the first time I visited their home, Mother Xie didn’t say a word to me. She just cooked quietly while I washed the vegetables next to her.

       I thought she didn’t like me and was just forcing a smile in front of Xie Chenmin.

       When it was time to go, she stuffed me with a bottle of medicine and told me to remember to take medicine and to stop eating spicy food.

       I remembered that the dishes on the dinner table were all bland, and Xie Chenmin had taken some trouble to develop some in particular according to my taste, especially for me who didn’t like to eat when I was sick.

       It all tasted exactly the same.

       I went back and lay in bed for a long time until I saw the 99+ and missed calls on my phone and I made a video call to Xie Chenmin.

       His first sentence was, Did you take the medicine?

       I shook my head.

       He said, Hurry up and take your medicine.

       I got up, touch the medicine from Mother Xie from the bedside, unscrewed it, and found a small note in a plastic bag.

       There was a string of numbers and words written on it, ‘Xie Chenmin has no income right now, so use my card if you want to spend money, don’t feel wronged.’

       At the end there was a sentence, ‘I will send you the verification code, don’t tell Xie Chenmin.’

       My phone’s front camera has a high pixel count. After Xie Chenmin forced me to read out the contents of the note, he hung up the video and went to bombard his mother

       He clamoured that it wasn’t fair and that he had never been treated this way.

       Mother Xie always gave him a fixed amount of money on his card every month, and any further requests could only be made through a complicated process like a leadership approval review. As a result, he could only “work and study” in his freshman year.

       Mother Xie, who was bombed, sent me a message, and I could see her helplessness through the text. She said, You child, how can you be so bad at doing things?”

       She had been acting like a spy, but she was discovered by Xie Chenmin.

       I couldn’t help laughing.

       Mother Xie was quiet and cool, but she was a very interesting person.

       She once told me that the money Xie Chenmin gave me to buy a computer was earned from his own part-time job. When she didn’t pass the application for money “approval”, she felt that there was something fishy with Xie Chenmin.

       Xie Chenmin said, Originally, my mother’s attitude was that she neither supported nor opposed, but she said that since I had the courage to talk to her about it, she would try her best and learn to support us.

       I said, Mother is very good to me.

       He said, Well, she said because you were someone else’s child.

       After he said that, Xie Chenmin felt angry again and continued to quarrel with his mother.

       ……

       Mother Xie said, Come here.

       Xie Chenmin replied, En.

       She said, If you haven’t eaten, I’ll make something for you.

       She seemed to know what Xie Chenmin did yesterday, so she didn’t say anything and quietly made him hot porridge to warm his stomach.

       He went into the kitchen and wanted to help, but Mother Xie wouldn’t let him and told him to stand aside.

       Mother Xie said, This kitchen cannot stand the blowup.

       He said, I’m not going to blow it up.

       She said, Just rest.

       He looked at her back and said, Mom, I miss you.

       I saw Mother Xie’s movements stop for a while.

       The mother and son had met not long before.

       At my funeral.

       She just hummed and didn’t say another word.

       Xie Chenmin didn’t say anything special, stayed for a while after dinner, and then left.

       Before he left, Mother Xie said, Take good care of yourself.

       Xie Chenmin nodded and said, I’ll go see Dad.

       ……

       It was during those late self-study sessions when he was around every day that he told me that his father had left very early.

       His memory still lingered on the tall man who carried him on his shoulders as soon as he got home, and then went to team up to steal food from the kitchen. Or the time he was writing squiggly kindergarten numbers by the window while letting the wind out and saw his mother coming back downstairs, so he shouted to his father who was playing online games secretly.

       Whenever he was away on business, he would call home at a set time every day, whether he had something to do or not. Sometimes Mother Xie would perfunctorily give the phone to little Xie Chenmin.

       He would say, Dad, it’s you again.

       The other side said, Go, go, go, give the phone back to your mother.

       He said, I don’t want to.

       The other side said, We’ll go to McDonald’s on the weekend.

       Then he immediately said, Okay,  and obediently handed the phone back.

       And then Mother Xie would put an end to the endless chatter of the other side by hanging up the phone.

       Little Xie Chenmin looked forward to his father’s business trip every day, his phone call every day, his mother giving him the phone every day, his father’s promise of a weekend every day, and his mum’s smile when she picked him up after hanging up the phone.

       But then one time, his father went on a business trip and never came back.

       Mother Xie has kept that tablet¹referring to the memorial tablet of the dead all her life, and would rather choose the most difficult path than marry again.

       He said that our mother has a driver’s license, but she never drove a car again, and she rarely travels by car. Now she basically used bicycles and subways to get around.

       Because his father died in a car accident.

 

       ……

       He laid flowers on his father’s grave.

       He squatted down and cleaned his tombstone, and stared at his photo for a long time.

       He said, I should have chosen this place for the first time, maybe the two of you would have been able to meet.

       My insubstantial heart stung for a moment.

       After he said that, he got up and left. I saw that he bought a train ticket on his mobile phone.

       The sting deepened when I saw the destination there.

       It was my old hometown, where my parents live.

       ……

       He said, By the way, do you know where I got my name from?

       He was opening a room with me when he was throwing this serious question.

       I shielded my eyes with my arms and said, I don’t want to know now.

       When I had sex with him, the shame was overflowing. But he just had to talk to me, leaving me half floating and the other half trying to keep my head above water.

       He went on to say, My mother’s surname was Min, a very rare surname.

       I wrapped my arms around his neck and bit my lip.

       He said, I’m going in.

       I said, Okay.

       He had been holding back for days, his movements were wild, almost frenzied, and I was taking pleasure in them.

       It was addicting.

       He said, Chu, you are someone high above, and I am your subject.

       My ears were blushing, partly because his love words hit the mark accurately.

       So much so that I didn’t dare to call him Chenmin anymore, as soon as I called it, I would think of the meaning of that second word.

       He said, You are not a monarch, but I am willing to submit.

       A thought rose in my heart, and I said with a black face, I’m blocking you.

       Then Xie Chenmin, who had not finished the second phase, stayed on the blacklist for one day.

       ……

       My parents wouldn’t take a good look at him.

       No matter how far he had travelled to get here, or what his health was like, he would never get a bowl of porridge to warm his stomach.

       When my mother opened the door, the glimmer of life that had come to life inside her haggard eyes withered once more when she saw him.

       She closed the door hard and tried to shut Xie Chenmin out, but Xie Chenmin rebelliously peeled the door open and went inside.

       He apologized to my mother, I’m sorry for the door.

       My mother was shaking with anger and I saw that there were awards and trophies and photos of me since childhood hanging in the room.

       I didn’t let them put these up when I was at home, so they didn’t. I had no idea that while I was away, these things, which I thought they had thrown away long ago, had been kept so nice like it was new.

       There was also a suit being ironed.

       Xie Chenmin didn’t know, but I knew that this suit was the first one I had bought for my father, and I found an excuse to tell him that if he came to our wedding, he should remember to wear this.

       He was looking at the suit in awe, but when he heard the word wedding, he was so angry that he threw it in the trash in front of me.

       I left, and it turned out that he secretly picked it up again.

       Xie Chenmin looked at them and was tongue-tied for a moment.

       My mother’s red and swollen eyes shed tears again and said, You… Return xiao Chu to us…

       My father heard the commotion and hurried out of the inner room. He was startled for a moment when he saw Xie Chenmin, then roared, You get out of here.

       He called out, Dad.

       My father, as if he had been greatly humiliated, trembled and said angrily, Get out of here.

       My dad was a veteran who had served half his life but said he had spent the rest of his life disgraced by me.

       He was still stuck in the mindset that homosexuality was on a par with drugs, cults and crime. He had been stubborn for half his life and I couldn’t change it.

       Xie Chenmin looked at the two elders, bathed in cries and curses, as well as the strange looks from curious heads.

       We lived in the inclusive and friendly light for so long that we forgot that the world has shadows, and that shadows never find the light, and also that no one could dispel the prejudices and rumours that are so deeply rooted there.

       He didn’t move even until my dad picked up the broom.

       When my dad reached him, he knelt down.

       He said, Dad, Mom, it’s my fault, you can hit me, I’m sorry.

       I saw my dad’s movements stop and saw his hands shaking.

       Then I saw a hard swing fall on him.

       I wanted to rush in front of him to block him and tell him, You are not wrong.

       Get your ass up there, and don’t apologize.

       But there was nothing I could do.

       He said, If you feel very disappointed, you can beat me to death. As long as you don’t kill me, I’ll be your son from now on.

       I will come back to see you again, he said insistently.

       I saw my father stop moving and dragged him out.

 

       I heard my mother cry.

       I felt his heart that already bruised and battered by the play of fate.

       He stood outside the door until all the voices inside had ceased, and then left in gloom.

       ……

       Destiny was indeed joking with me and him.

       He had purposely scheduled the wedding on my birthday. On the seventh day after my death, it was my birthday.

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Notes:
Just in case anyone got confused like I was when I was reading the last line (；´∀｀)
Lin Chu seemed to die 7 days before their wedding which was explained in the last chapter was arranged on his birthday. So the 7th day of his death was not only his birthday but also his wedding day.

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       Three days after our first fight, I sent him a message and he didn’t reply. I deliberately asked him to have dinner together, but he replied in spite, I’m sorry, I need to go to class.

       On the last day, my short-lived guilt had passed. I already calmed down and was angry at his attitude, so I sent him a message saying, You’re on a roll, aren’t you?

       He didn’t reply.

       I said, Fine, let’s not talk about it anymore.

       I will eat by myself.

       Then I turned on Do Not Disturb and plugged in my headphones and deliberately walked to the restaurant on the East Campus.

       I thought I was doing him a favour.

       It was not easy for same-sex couples to get around the country, and if he ever got fed up and wanted to leave, I could at least let him do so without any worries.

       There was a huge lake in the school. At night, there were singers playing the guitar by the lake, couples sitting side by side on stone benches holding hands, and old people walking out with grandchildren or pets.

       I found an empty stone bench to sit on.

       It was still a little cold by the lake at night, and I rubbed the tip of my nose when the wind brushed my nose and sneezed.

       I rubbed my arms and thought to myself, It doesn’t matter, it’s not like the East School cafeteria tastes any different than the West School cafeteria.

       Xie Chenmin was simply childish.

       I was just reminding him, it was not like I didn’t trust him.

       If I could, I would borrow a handcuff from the police academy next door, lock one hand and throw the key into the lake, so he would never be able to unlock it.

       But then I couldn’t.

       I felt torn too, I was afraid that one day we would both get hurt. However, I was also afraid that I would not be able to give up if we really separate.

       I knew he felt the same way.

       But this idiot chose to vent his temper in such a stupid way for a pissed-off kid to vent his temper.

       I calmed down by the lake for a while and finally glanced at my phone.

       There was a 99+ from Xie Chenmin alone.

       And his roommate was calling me too.

       He had sent countless “I’m sorry” all by himself. Plus the countless “I was wrong” messages from his roommate—followed by one: Min ge just stole our mobile phone.

       He asked me where I was, and he went to the three or four restaurants on the west campus, but he couldn’t find me.

       He said he was a jerk and he didn’t mean to ignore me.

       He said he was sorry.

       Until finally, Please come back to me.

       I think I might have spoken too strongly and made him misunderstand something.

       I called his roommate first, and his roommate told me in a hurry.

       Lin ge, just meet Min ge, he’s been looking for you since noon like he’s going crazy.

       Where are you?

       I said, I am by the lake near your dormitory.

       When they thought of Xie Chenmin who ran all over campus and didn’t even have time to go back to his dorm halfway through, his roommates sent a three-line ellipsis, saying, they feel sorry for Min ge.

       ……

       I liked a cold and uneventful life, and an information explosion was a disaster in my opinion.

       But this guy with light all over his body broke in, and my life has never been in the ordinary.

       It seemed that I turned out to be reluctant to settle for blandness as long as I had a chance to burn.

       I read through his ninety-nine plus one, and he sent a dozen more during the period.

       I replied, I was by the lake.

       It’s a bit cold.

       His frantic messages stopped. I guess he was running.

       Until the sweaty, panting fool appeared in front of me again and hugged me, his kept heart pounding against his hot chest nonstop.

       A thought occurred to me.

       I felt this one could actually go on.

       He was the kind of person who was capable of holding the hot scalding straw in his hand sincerely, even if he had seen the thousands of winds and clouds outside, the vast scenery, and even if he was afraid of rumours and prejudice.

       He was the kind of person that he would show his soft, imperfection side to the straw, that he was afraid of, but on the outside, he was indestructible and invincible.

       I felt, that it was time to stop wondering if we would ever be apart.

       Why should I care about what the outside world sees? It was the same now, it was the same before.

       At that time, there were still many people of all shapes and sizes and eyes with all kinds of colours at the lake. I wrapped my arms around Xie Chenmin’s neck and bit his lips which were still breathing heavily.

       I said, I’ll never say those words again, I’m sorry.

       Xie Chenmin buried his panting head in the side of my neck like a big dog, as if he had been scared, and said sullenly, I don’t blame you, really.

       I said, En.

       I’m not a childish prankster.

       ……

       On the third day of my death, Xie Chenmin slept in my room with Zhaocai in his arms.

       On the fourth day, he took a leave of absence.

       I thought it might be because yesterday’s bout of vomiting had hurt his stomach.

       I watched him sit up slowly from my side, bowed his back, buried his head in his knees, and sat alone on the bed for a long time.

       Until Zhaocai also woke up, he raised his head and stuck his tongue out at him, and then with a loud “yelp” it was pulled by Xie Chenmin and used as a cushion.

       Zhaocai’s big head tilted.

       ……

       I stroked his back and said, Who told you to drink so much?

       He said, I am happy that Senior had graduated.

       I was silent for a moment and said, No need to pretend.

       He looked up at me with his aggrieved puppy eyes, and he said, I am not happy.

       I patted the puppy’s head.

       There were wine stains on Xie Chenmin’s shirt, and it pressed close to my chest.

       He said, You must do well there alone, and when I graduate, I will find you.

       I said, Aren’t you going to attend postgraduate school?

       Although it was not a famous major in our school, the employment rate for Computer Science majors was very high, and I felt like I was not suitable for research. After I was contracted by a well-developed Internet company in China, I didn’t think about the postgraduate entrance examination.

       But Xie Chenmin’s major was different.

       With our school’s reputation, he could have the opportunity to have an unattainable management position directly after finishing his postgraduate studies.

       He said, I’ll study. I will go to your city to study.

       I said, There are no good schools for Industry and Commerce there.

       He said, But there’s you there.

       I said, Lovely words have no effect on me.

       He said, Do you want me to stay alone in an empty room?

       I said seriously, Xie Chenmin, you are not a child anymore, you have to look at your life responsibly.

       I didn’t give him a chance to speak, and said, I just want you to take the exam and then become an executive in a good company, later I’ll spend your money and say goodbye to programming, okay?

       He didn’t even seem to think for a second before he said, Alright, if that’s what you said.

       It took me a long time before I wondered if he had planned this conversation long ago.

       This guy had been trying to get me out of the fvcking computer language, and he had asked me, Choose, which do you prefer, coding or me?

       I said, You.

       When he was happy, he would put his head on the pillow and show me the mountains, rivers, lakes and seas recorded in the memo on his mobile phone.

       He would talk about them one by one like a tour guide and say, When we get married, we will travel all these places one by one.

       I waited for him to finish and finally asked, Have you finished, dear boyfriend? I want to code.

       Xie Chenmin’s biggest rival in love was the computer. His least favourite places were bars and internet cafes.

       ……

       Manager Xie got up from the bed, greeted Zhaocai, dragged his stomach that was broken from drinking last night, and held a copy of ‘Programming from Beginner to Master’.

       Then he went to the internet cafe.

       I remember a time when the school had server room maintenance, and just before the final exam in college, my computer hung up.

       Fate was simply playing tricks on me.

       But at that time, Xie Chenmin’s amazing connections helped a lot.

       He asked the owner of the Internet cafe next to the school to reserve a quiet place for me. Every two hours, a cup of hot water would be served.

       I even counted the time because the boss was acting so weird.

       Then as I typed, the reflection of Xie Chen Min’s handsome head would appear on the screen.

       He whispered, Honey, dinner is ready.

       Then I got kicked out of the internet cafe.

       ……

       The punks with colourful hair probably thought there was something wrong with him.

       I also felt that way a little bit too.

       If you could be a master from a beginner in one book, then why did I waste four years at university?

       He spent a day going through the book from cover to cover, and I didn’t know if he understand it.

       But I knew that the long, long-winded but barely feasible code he wrote was definitely not something that could be done in a day.

       It turned out that the books he bought in college didn’t all serve as pillows for sleeping.

       He stared for a long time at the final line that read ‘Would you like to’ for a long, long time.

       Finally, he picked up his clothes and left.

       He did not execute.

       I also know it won’t work.

       There was no compiler¹source code compiler on the computer in the internet cafe.

       ……

       He said he was going to surprise me and that he was going to use his rival to surprise me at the wedding.

       I was wondering what love rival.

       And he said nothing.

       ……

       Do you think there really were people like Granny Meng in the world?

       It was probably made up by some people who wanted someone would hand over a bowl of hot soup when they died and were hungry and cold. So when they drank it, they would forget everything… At least the last proof that they belonged to this world was piping hot.

       I was dead for five days and have yet to see the person who gave me the soup.

       Legend has it that people could only stay on earth for seven days after they die.

       I followed him every day and maybe touched him on my first seven days.

       No one could see my soul though.

       Xie Chenmin continued to ask for leave, and he went to his mother’s place.

---

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       We got together.

       When a person had been alone for so long, and that person met another person, they would crave extra warmth inside that was different from their own.

       I didn’t feel it was any different from usual.

       Except for the first few weeks.

       Sometimes he would wake up early the next day, bring soy milk and doughnuts to my dormitory, give me a good morning kiss after staying up late, and say something he thought was romantic.

       Sometimes the two of us would be walking along and unconsciously bump into a glimpse of the sun’s afterglow that rendered the scenery on the horizon, and we would hold hands on a whim as if there was no one else around.

       Sometimes he would bow his head and kiss me at night, in the midst of a starry river of cyclists, under the cover of the darkness where the streetlights could not shine.

       Or we would go out for the weekend and get a room, two young ignorant and impulsive people, tossing and turning in a way that was unprecedentedly pleasurable and exciting.

       For some reason, our top and bottom positions had somehow acquiesced from the start.

       I finally felt strange and asked him why.

       He said that he had read countless bad books and he was ready to graduate. He answered it rhetorically, Senior, do you understand?

       I was silent for a while and said, I don’t understand.

       As a biological method for reproduction, according to theory, this should be natural to human beings

       My brain might have been assimilated by the computer.

       But I didn’t think I could come to understand it in the end. I couldn’t let go of my moral principle.

       Still, a graduate, was this what the average thick-skinned person would say?

       ……

       Later, when the initial novelty wore off, these ridiculous romances petered out.

       Because of too many classes and activities, he really didn’t have time to come to see me. He was teased by his roommates, Is your rut period over, Min ge?

       ……

       He said that he still loves me, and tried his best to describe the love he wanted to give me with his poor vocabulary. He said that it was different from the vigorous one he started with, but he wanted a kind of love that was able to love each other through the storms for the rest of his life.

       We spend time together as usual, and sometimes the wild chatter falls off a bit.

       I said, You know how hard this road is.

       He said, I know, as long as you are not afraid.

       I said, It’s you that I’m afraid of.

       Xie Chenmin was so good, and it was precisely because he was so good that I have never met someone like him before. So I was terribly afraid of losing him.

       Xie Chenmin was like a wolf cub with its head upright in a den, and he had yet to see the real boundless and unknown world.

       While I was like a heating straw he found in a cave. When he sees the outside and finds that the straw couldn’t shield him from discrimination, cold eyes and prejudice, he would probably throw it away.

       But what I fear most is not that he will throw me away, but that he will be unable to run away irresponsibly because of some oath he made when he was young and frivolous, and that he would only grow disgusted and bored.

       He said, I won’t.

       I said, Life is long, and you can never be sure how long your no will last.

       He looked at me and said, Chu, believe in me, and I will keep it for as long as you believe in me.

       I said, Okay.

       The stupidest thing was that I added, If you ever get tired of me, feel free to talk to me, and I won’t dwell on it.

       It was only three days later that I regretted that I shouldn’t have said that.

       For the first time since we were together, he and I had a cold war for three days.

       ……

       It was said that there was no such thing as a heart in the air, let alone heartache.

       But seeing that Xie Chenmin went looking for a new love on the first day after my funeral, a part of my heart, which I didn’t know what to call it, seemed to be cut by a thousand knives.

       Little by little, it stung.

       I had been separated from him for more than a month before the car accident.

       Before this, I always felt that some stubborn and subtle estrangement gradually formed between us, which we did not know or let each other know.

       Just let the rust, and it would gradually become a hidden problem as it accumulated over the years.

       We’ve been together for more than eight years.

       He told me in the early years that he would marry me within ten years.

       The deadline was coming to an end, and he finally had a good talk with me.

       In the past many months, we always quarrelled with each other when we talked. We thought that we were right and did not apologize, and got along nonchalantly.

       That day, it snowed like it hadn’t in years in the city we were in.

       He had been away on business for four days. I checked the weather forecast on my phone, and it said that the city he was in had long since been blocked by heavy snow.

       My WeChat message history with him was still from four days ago, and I sent him a message saying;

       Is it cold over there? Put on more clothes.

       Don’t turn on the air conditioning too much, it’s easy to get cold when you go out.

       Prepare some medicine, don’t wait until you have a headache and fever to wail around for medicine.

       It was snowing heavily that day, obscuring the roadside lights for a while, and the reflection was like stars in the sky falling bits by bits.

       He didn’t get back to me.

       I waited for a while, turned off my phone screen and went to sleep.

       The next day the world was already wrapped up, the first thing I did when I got up was to open WeChat, and he replied to me.

       He said, Chu, can we get married?

       The message was delivered at one o’clock in the morning.

       I sat up from the bed and stared at the words in a daze, and suddenly felt my eyes burning up.

       My fingers stayed on the keyboard for a long time, and my thoughts travelled to the ends of the earth until the mobile phone alarm sounded at seven o’clock, with the melody I used to look at him through, Head Above Water.

       Only then did my attention return to my phone and I said, Okay.

       When he came back, he said that he had obtained the visa and that he would take me to Norway to get a marriage license by the end of the week.

       When he came back, he was panting and breathing hot air with snow falling on his suit. When he entered the house, the warm air was blown and turned the snow into water stains on his suits.

       It was like that idiot in the tracksuit who ran from East Campus to the front of my dorm.

       He said that he missed the latest subway, and the road was blocked by snow, so he had run back halfway.

       I scolded him, Why are you in a hurry, it won’t take you more than a few minutes to wait for the next one.

       He said he didn’t want to wait at all and was confused.

       He took a small box out of his inside jacket pocket and my heart skipped a bit when I saw the packaging.

       He got down on one knee.

       He said, Chu, I didn’t know what you liked, so I bought the most expensive one with my entire fortune.

       We would probably live on the dirt next month.

       I said, It’s not like I can tell the difference between these things. You could go to the kiosk and buy a 50-cent pair of kids’ toys and they all look the same to me.

       He said, Can you be romantic?

       I said, Is this the first day you met me?

       He said, Well.

       He put the ring on me with his own hands and said, Me and my mom… No, it was our mom, she said she couldn’t stop me and that I could do whatever I wanted. But I’ll have to take you to meet her someday.

       I said, En.

       And added, I’m sorry.

       He said, It’s okay.

       My family had opposed me for eight years and regarded Xie Chenmin as a vicious person.

       My mother was a very gentle person with almost no temper. Unlike my father who has great hopes for his son, she didn’t say anything against me when I switched departments in a fit of anger.

       I still remembered the day she came to our school without telling me, and dragged her rheumatic legs all the way to our school. Before I could call out “Mom” in surprise, she grabbed Xie Chen Min’s wrist and almost knelt down to him, trembling and begging.

       “Please, let xiao Chu go, I have only one son… I beg you.”

       I saw that the expression on Xie Chenmin’s face was a mixture of surprise and bewilderment, so much so that the hand that wanted to help her froze in the air.

       And my father even never looked him in the eye.

       I felt that he was a man with high self-esteem and that he would have to put up with bad words from all sides when he came back with me.

       I owed him an apology for a long time.

       ……

       We went to get tailored suits together, and he found an old craftsman who stubbornly refused to keep pace with the rapid progress of the times. We went to the store and felt that time had slowed down.

       He asked us in Norwegian if were partners.

       He said, Well, we’ve been together for almost ten years.

       The old man smiled and said, I wish you happiness.

       It was only later that he told me about it. At that time, I raised my head and asked him what the old man was saying. He leaned down and said to me that he praised me that your wife was really beautiful.

       I kicked him in the old-time suit shop in a foreign country.

       ……

       Xie Chenmin said to the girl very earnestly, You are very beautiful.

       The girl wrapped her arms around his neck and rubbed his arm with the half-exposed waves of her breasts.

       She said seductively, Thank you handsome guy for the compliment.

       He smiled and said inexplicably, But not as pretty as my wife.

       I saw the girl’s face darken and the corners of her mouth twitched.

       I thought, if I had a face it would be black 80% of the time too.

       The girl asked, What do you mean?

       Xie Chenmin didn’t say anything, leaned forward and said to the driver, Stop in front.

       The luxurious car stopped at a place where the roadside and the lights were dim and desolate. Xie Chenmin got out of the car under the girl’s shocked eyes, walked to the front and told the driver of the car an address.

       It was the girl’s home.

       Send her back, he said, and send me a location confirmation when you arrived.

       The girl must have thought that he was a human trafficker just now. When she recovered from her fear, I saw Xie Chenmin give her a business card and said, My contact details, give me a call when you arrived safely.

       Also, love yourself a little.

       Then he walked along the road by himself.

       The girl took the business card and was stunned for a long time until the driver politely said, Miss, if there is nothing else, I will start driving.

       Only then did the girl come to her senses, and while sitting in the car, she was cursing the psycho while tearing the business card to shreds.

       ……

       I felt a sense of desolation.

       I wanted to say sorry, but I hated myself for not being able to speak.

       Xie Chenmin took the earphones and walked back along the road by himself.

       He opened the door, crouched down and tightly hugged Zhaocai who was wagging its tail, then ran to the bathroom and vomited in the dark.

       He was a very poor drinker, and he had not practised for a long time.

       He had probably thrown up all over his belly and while nausea hadn’t passed, he was dry heaving.

       I saw him with a splitting headache and a cold bath on full blast, standing up shakily and holding his hands on the sink.

       I wanted to go up and scold him and kick him.

       Why wasn’t this fvcking bastard taking his health seriously?

       I felt that if I had a body, my tears might not listen to me, but I couldn’t shed them now, and the air and his body were bathed in bitterly cold water. It was as if I’m the one crying.

       Zhaocai probably heard his uncomfortable voice, whimpering and picking at the bathroom door, while at the same time staring at the black silhouette without blinking.

       He came out of the bathroom.

       Aside from looking a little weak, he wiped his wet hair, his expression was as usual as he said hoarsely, What are you screaming for, I will feed you in a moment.

       I couldn’t see his eyes under his thick, dripping fringes.

       No one carried a wedding ring around for fun.

       And no one flaunting a wedding ring would go to a bar either.

       He knew that the soul of the diamond was empty, and he probably needed some more stimulation to let him know that he was holding on tightly so the illusion of the soul was still there.

       What was I doing just now? Doubting him.

       Sorry.

       Xie Chenmin.

       I’m the one who left you alone, and I can’t believe I’m still blaming you.

       I really miss you, Xie Chenmin.

       I want to come back.

       I’m sorry, I’m sorry……

       He squatted down, and when he came to pour dog food for Zhaocai, I saw Zhaocai arched up to him and licked the corners of his eyes hidden under his fringes.

       It was somewhat red.

       I tried my best to pass my broken soul to Zhaocai, beyond the roughness of half a lifetime and the numbing shade that clouded his eyes, holding him hard with force.

       ……

       How could I forget?

       That day when Xie Chenmin put a ring on my finger.

       He made love to me in a bedroom that hadn’t smelled like two people in a long time, indignantly and carefully, as if he was venting a kind of obsessive grievance.

       When I was exhausted, I thought I heard him whisper in my ear.

       I thought you were tired of me.

       I was scared to death that I didn’t dare talk to you again, and I regretted every word that annoyed you for a long time.

       I thought it’s fine if you don’t want to, I don’t want you to be unhappy with me.

       But I…I can’t.

       I don’t know why, but I can’t do without you.

       He said.

       On the last night of my business trip, I went to the bar and saw that there was a young man at the bar who was very similar to you.

       There was a mole under the middle and lower part of the eye. He has a cold temperament and likes to purse his lips when he smiles.

       I was a little drunk.

       He helped me to the suite and asked me if I wanted to try it with him.

       I almost did something wrong.

       But my phone rang.

       It had snowed so hard here that day, you said, telling me to wear more clothes, to take care of myself and not to get cold.

       I went to the bathroom of the bar to splash myself awake and slapped myself a lot.

       I guess I really was an asshole.

       Why did I forget that it was snowing on your side of the world, that I forgot to tell you to take care of yourself and dress up, that I didn’t even say a word to you?

       I’m sorry.

       I didn’t know you were still thinking about me and I was especially happy.

       I still love you very, very much.

       Even if you annoy me in the future, let me stay by your side.

       I was on the verge of deep sleep and thought these were dreams, so I just responded vaguely.

       It turned out to be real.

       Our hidden problems that had been building up for years were only there because we each thought we would get tired of each other and were afraid that the other one would abandon us.

       We probably need a wedding.

       Only when the two people’s fetters and entanglements were engraved in black and white could we truly feel at ease.

---

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       Later, he bought me a notebook¹computer notebook.

       At the time, it was one of the best-configured ones.

       I heard that his family was relatively well-off. I was only from a middle-class family, and to buy a computer of that price would have required my parents to save up three or four months’ salary.

       But even if he was the son of the richest man who was in incognito, I couldn’t ask him for such valuable things for nothing. Moreover, he was not the one who should be responsible for the loss of the computer.

       I insisted. He said, Okay, but you can keep the computer first and return the money whenever you want.

       I just remember that I had saved money for a long time, and on the day I saved enough, I gave him the money, and he confessed to me.

       The development of computers changed rapidly, but I used the notebook for the last three years of university and the first two years of my working life.

       Xie Chenmin once asked me abruptly, why I didn’t change it, and if it was because he had given it to me that I couldn’t throw it away.

       I said because it was too expensive.

       After I had squeezed all its worth out of it, the computer sat in my drawer gathering dust.

       ……

       Xie Chenmin turned down a pointless dinner party tonight and said he wanted to go home early in the evening.

       The beautiful female colleague joked, What’s the matter? Is there someone waiting at home?

       He smiled without saying a word, and just waved the ring on his hand.

       I saw that the girl’s smile stiffened a bit. No one told her why Manager Xie had a wedding ring on his hand.

       He said, My spouse is waiting for me.

       But no one was waiting for him at home except a dog, and he didn’t come home.

       He went to the bar.

       I saw him sitting alone in a white shirt, his shadow stretched long by the flashing neon lights, but unable to dye its blackness.

       I saw many people coming and going around him. Everyone here was wearing a smiling mask, and often hiding not a heart but an obvious purpose underneath the false face.

       Xie Chenmin said that he didn’t like this kind of place because he didn’t like such people.

       I watched him chatting and laughing, ordering a 12-year-old Chivas Regal for every beautiful woman that sat next to him, and then watched them leave for various reasons.

       He even allowed someone to hook their arms around his shoulders or said something enticing and sweet.

       I didn’t know what to feel, I seemed to be like a third wheel.

       I was already a third wheel.

       A blob of unnecessary additional conscious air in the world.

       Before the girl took his arm, she glanced at the ring on his hand with a qualm. Perhaps as she thought of what kind of excitement the two were pursuing, the uncomfortable expression turned into a smile.

       Xie Chenmin called for a reserved car and asked the girl where she lived. He let her hold him and got into the car.

       So that’s how it was.

       Why bother, I shouldn’t be more sentimental.

       This man at least made me believe in the dream of holding hands with someone and seeing them for the rest of my life, so I should be satisfied, why bother with reality?

       But why didn’t you tell me?

       I would not say no anyway. It was like agreeing to you a risky and brave beginning without thinking about the consequences.

       ……

       His roommate said that Xie Chenmin stayed with me longer than with them. At 11 pm straight, they rushed back calmly with the scolding of the dormitory aunt.

       They blamed me for corrupting their Min ge, and condemned me to treat them to dinner as compensation.

       How could they blame me for that? I didn’t ask him to do it.

       As soon as teacher Cheng gave out homework, almost all my nights after 7 pm were given to the evening study first.

       Sometimes when I didn’t have time to eat, I would give him a call, and after wiring the money to him, I would get an exclusive takeaway meal that didn’t require an errand fee.

       As if the delivery guy didn’t have to study at night, he would not leave after delivering the meal, but would stay next to me and boast about the awesome new computer he had bought me, or look at the code on the screen, and sometimes ask a few questions in a studious manner.

       Sometimes he’d ask me a few questions, like “What’s this thing?” and “What are you doing?”

       I answered him seriously, and he played with his phone seriously.

       I said, You can go ahead if you have something to do.

       He said, I am quite free.

       I said, I am interfering with your open mic game.

       He said, It’s okay, I’ll teach you how to play together.

       I said, Get lost.

       Then he would go and buy a couple of cokes and come back and continue to sit next to me.

       Sometimes we talked endlessly about anything. Or he would tell me stories about him and his mom, and I learned that she was a single parent.

       Occasionally he taught me how to play mobile games, and after I deliberately dragged him down a rank, this situation never happened again.

       He said I was the most rigid senior he had ever met and that my university life was all about studying.

       ……

       So it made sense for me to drag on doing my homework until that late.

       Every time I closed my computer, the time was 20:50. All the bicycles outside to grab were all covered, so I asked him from the East Campus if he was okay.

       He said, I’m okay, I’ll send Senior a message when I get back to the dormitory.

       I went back, clicked on the voice with the little red dot, and could usually hear his panting background voice mixed with the scolding of the dormitory aunty.

       I didn’t know why, but I was happy to hear him being scolded.

       I always laughed without realising it.

       A few girls in my class asked me why this handsome little brother was so infatuated.

       I said probably because the unpaid money for the computer was still in my hand.

       ……

       I didn’t know exactly when I became dependent on his on-call takeaway.

       Sometimes if he didn’t text me for a day, I would click on that little green icon and take a look.

       He would take a video and send me a voice message if he had nothing to do. He talked with so much fun that it made you couldn’t help but laugh. Then I would click to listen and laugh again.

       He usually filmed the little daily routines in the dorm, and he lived like he was at home everywhere he went. His three very close roommates would greet me when they met me on the road, and said, “Hello, senior”.

       Later, it became “Hello, Lin ge”, they said because Xie Chenmin warned them that he was the only one who could call me Senior.

       They started a group chat without Xie Chenmin and dragged me into it, and then they complained every day that this Min ge was a sick person.

       I couldn’t help laughing all the time—originally, people around me were always teasing me that I couldn’t have this kind of expression.

       I probably just haven’t met such funny people.

       ……

       The girl said, What kind of fun does a handsome guy do?

       He laughed, Driving²it’s a dirty joke of sending(driving) your seeds(semen) everywhere. ahead.

       The girl laughed too, Handsome guy, stop acting, you came out to do something novel behind your wife’s back, but you still mind this.

       He spun the diamond ring on his hand and let the girl wrap her arms around his waist as he said, Do you have experience?

       The girl said, Yes, I have.

       He said, Are you not afraid of getting sick?

       The girl froze for a moment as if it was the first time she had heard someone so blatantly lay out the obscure and difficult words, and wondered, Why do you ask that, you don’t have one, do you?

       He shook his head and said faintly, I don’t.

       The girl said, How do you know?

       He said, I checked.

       The girl burst out laughing, and the flashy city lights almost turned into phantoms through the car window, reflected on her pretty face.

       She said, What are you doing checking this out for nothing? Something is fishy.

       Xie Chenmin just laughed.

       …………

       His roommate said that he had gone to the pub yesterday and hadn’t come back all night and asked me if I knew where Min ge had gone.

       I was still in class when I glanced at my phone inadvertently and caught a glimpse of this message.

       I was surprised and immediately got back to them.

       I said, I don’t know, yesterday was fine.

       I looked through the message records with him and yesterday ended with him addressing me in one line—Senior.

       Nothing more.

       I was not surprised, he was often like this. When I asked him what was wrong, he was always talking about trivial things like the weather was fine today.

       They told me that Xie Chenmin had a fight with someone yesterday.

       I asked, Why?

       His roommate said that he was listening to a presentation on mental health education for university students yesterday and the main speaker mentioned homosexuality.

       I didn’t know why the eyelids twitch slightly, then I asked, What happened then?

       The teacher holds a neutral attitude and advises students with this tendency to protect themselves.

       The teacher was very open-minded and objective, but such a sensitive subject was bound to attract some sharp comments.

       His roommate said that a few boys were whispering underneath, that homosexuals were perverts and that men and men were a disgusting sorry of an excuse for their parents and so on, and let Xie Chenmin hear them.

       I had six dots inside me³his heart felt like ……

       I was the kind of person who was very slow to the eyes and opinions of the outside world. Even if others pointed at my nose and called me stupid, as long as I knew who I am in my heart, I wouldn’t care for even a second.

       His roommate said that he felt that Min ge had that tendency.

       I could not laugh or cry, and asked, How do you feel about it?

       They said Min ge was being too good to me. Only those who lived in the same dormitory knew that Min ge hung up the words “Senior Lin Chu” on his lips every day and even bought back a bunch of tutorials on C, JAVA and Python that he couldn’t understand, telling them that he would definitely get them a sister-in-law who knew programming and that people who knew this stuff were really great.

       They also joked that then Min ge would be alone for life.

       They didn’t think anything of it at first, but the boys in the class were whispering that they were embarrassed by Xie Chenmin’s bland words, and they mentioned me.

       They said, Come on Xie Chenmin, why pretend to be an objective passerby? It’s not like we don’t know that you’re gay with that guy from the computer science department.

       Then afterwards Xie Chenmin was on fire.

       They said it wasn’t that they were being unrighteous and bad-mouthing their brother, but they really thought that Xie Chenmin was interested in me.

       I didn’t know what I felt in my heart, it was a bit like I was choked when swallowing my heartbeat, and a piece of flesh and blood jumped up and down in my throat.

       I was not surprised, but inexplicably felt very nervous.

       I said, Okay, I’ll go and find him.

       I found a valid reason and sent a message.

       Xie Chenmin, come to the third floor of restaurant number four, I’ll pay you back for the computer.

       After three minutes, he said, OK.

       When I arrived he was buying milk tea. Two large cups with ice.

       Restaurant number four was almost empty around ten in the morning, so we went to the lounge bar in the corner to sit.

       It was the most luxuriously decorated of all the restaurants on campus, so it wasn’t a bad place for a young couple to go out on a date.

       He handed me a cup of milk tea, sat opposite, plugged in a straw, and said, Is transferring money directly from WeChat to Alipay no good?

       I said, What were you doing at the bar yesterday?

       The pearls in his milk tea were stuck in the straw.

       He was silent for a moment and continued to finish the sip and said, Going to play.

       I said, You told me you didn’t like that kind of place.

       He said, I just went to see and drink some wine, and I didn’t chat with anyone. Besides, bars are not synonymous with illegal places. It’s okay for young people to relax there. You, a backward veteran cadre, need to reform your thinking.

       I asked why.

       He said, I said I was just going to have a look and a drink.

       The ice and pearls in the milk tea were moving because of me, and I asked directly, Are you interested in me?

       Xie Chenmin said, Senior, you are going to die of narcissism.

       I looked at him with his head bowed as he absently shook the milk tea with a straw and said, Can you look at others when you talk?

       He said, I’m listening, I’m just a little suspicious that she put fewer pearls for me.

       I interrupted him, Xie Chenmin.

       He said, En.

       I didn’t continue to say anything, I took out a large amount of cash, which was rarely seen nowadays from my schoolbag, pushed it to him, and said, I’m still used to paying in cash for large amounts of money, I’m really sorry, I thought I should really reform my thinking.

       He looked at the pile of money and stopped shaking the straw.

       I said, I’ll send the remainder to your Alipay, all right, I’m good with it.

       I got up and threw down the words, I’m leaving.

       He called out to me, as he usually does, and called me back with a ‘Senior’.

       I said, The weather is fine today. What else can I do for you?

       Xie Chenmin said, I really just went to have a drink, nothing else.

       I sat down angrily, rested my hands on the sides of the table and said, You really don’t know what I’m asking you?

       Xie Chenmin said, I know.

       Before I could say anything else, he confessed himself and said, I dreamt that I gave myself away to you Senior, and I woke up feeling it.

       The six dots I had in my mind were multiplied by two.

       He said, I thought it was a little weird because I had a girlfriend in high school.

       I said, Then you might be a bi.

       He said, I’m not kidding, Senior.

       Both of us fell silent as I put in my milk tea straw and started to drink slowly.

       He broke the silence and said abruptly, I like you Lin Chu, do you want to try it with me?

       I didn’t answer and just continued drinking milk tea.

       After not getting an actual answer for a long time, his heart seemed to grey out inch by inch. He smiled and sighed, and said, Oh my, why should I say it.

       I also suddenly said, How can I say yes if you don’t say anything.

       He widened his eyes and looked at me in amazement.

       I said, In the future, if there is anything to say to me, just tell me directly. No need to cover it up, have I rejected you for anything?

       He said, You said no to my computer.

       I said, Get lost.

       ……

       That day, we kissed on the third floor of restaurant number four and we were so focused that we spilt the milk tea on the table. We impulsively and youthfully practised the first attempt countless times.

       The next day he told me, Let’s do it, Senior. I went to the hospital specifically to check, I do not have a sexually transmitted disease, and will not infect you.

       And thinking he was romantic, he went on to add principally, I’ll sleep with you alone from now on, donate blood to a regular hospital, no tattoos or tattoos, and take care of myself.

       My heart went from six dots multiplied by three.

       Could it be that this guy was a fool?

       He told their roommates about being with me that day, and the three of them were supportive, except for the fact that they thought Min ge was a little too fast.

       They had planned to form a group to go out for kebabs that day.

       Everyone in the group posted a cheer for the seniors and Lin ge loves kidneys plus some facial emojis packs.

       Me, six dots by four.

       This was not a bunch of fools.

       These were really birds of a feather flocking together.

       ……

       We were in his dorm starting at 9 pm and tossing and turning for more than an hour. I was in so much pain the first time that I shed a few tears midway through and let him block the corners of my eyes and kiss away the tears.

       Still young and inexhaustible, we made his sheets and bedding wrinkled and dirty.

       He stayed in my body and won’t go. When he fell down and came to rest, he said to me, Senior, don’t just try this, let’s be together also, okay?

       I said, I have never rejected you.

       And added a sentence, Except for the computer.

---

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       Zhaocai ignored him.

       Not eating any of the dog food, it ran to my room and nestled into a little fluffy ball on my bed, hunched its head under the quilt to seize my scent. A practical protest against Xie Chenmin’s pretense of not understanding his words.

       ……

       Our house has two bedrooms, which were reserved for us to calm down after a conflict.

       I was often working on codes day and night, and he was often mad about it.

       This man expressed himself in a roundabout way. He said that the sound of me staying up late typing on the keyboard was disturbing his sleep.

       I know he actually wanted me to rest early, but what he said undoubtedly put me on the wrong side.

       In fact, in order not to disturb him, I turned the brightness of the screen to the lowest level and moved as gently and slowly as I could. As a result, I felt my eyes were deteriorating and my efficiency was as fast as a turtle.

       He said he didn’t want me to stay in the cold living room all the time to work, but at the same time he thought I was disturbing his sleep by his side, and to be honest I was a bit offended.

       But I didn’t get angry, just turned off the computer and said “Oh”, then moved the machine to my bedroom.

       I was up until midnight when he came over to me.

       He gently put a glass of hot milk on my table, rubbed his fingers for a long time, and said sorry to me.

       I didn’t have time to pay attention to him.

       He just lay beside me or some other place, just like Zhaocai, who had nothing to do, quietly browsing Weibo or playing games.

       It just so happened that after I finished the crucial step of debugging, he handed me something funny he saw and I had to stop after I laughed.

       He tried to pretend that he wasn’t sleepy and that he was in good spirits.

       It was often two or three in the morning by the time I pulled myself out of my concentration.

       After that, whenever I came home to work, he would do what he did the first time, consistently and repeatedly.

       This was a very cunning trick.

       Because I didn’t want him to stay up so late.

       And I couldn’t kick him out and say that he was annoying me. To be reasonable, he stayed quietly beside me and didn’t affect me at all.

       If I had to say something about the outcome, it was that I would look at the watch.

       And turned off the computer at eleven o’clock.

       Never put off work that could be done during the day until the evening. With the level of hard work I did in the company during the day led my colleagues to think that my college entrance examination was not over yet.

       ……

       We would argue about trivial things like this.

       Just as he blamed me for forgetting to remind the store not to put chili peppers when ordering takeout, and about the mobile phone that was always on Do Not Disturb mode. I blamed him for leaving the air conditioning on at night and blowing until he woke up in the morning, and being annoyed that I would have to give him a call to confirm every time I arrived at the office.

       Friends and colleagues who could accept us often joke about how on earth did we both get this far, generating electricity for love?

       We also didn’t know why.

       Maybe it was because, well, only the two of us know. As soon as I ate spicy foods, my tonsils become inflamed, and it hurts so much that I couldn’t even speak.

       He sends me daily WeChats to remind me what medication to take, what the weather was like and whether I should bring an umbrella or add clothes, what the traffic conditions were like, which egg and soy milk on the road was greener and healthier, which I often couldn’t see because my phone was in Do Not Disturb mode.

       Only the two of us know that he occasionally got migraines and couldn’t stay out in the cold for too long.  For my convenience, he chose a house far away from his company, and he was usually still driving when I arrived.

       We both know that, so without asking for any reason, we had come together like this.

       ……

       Xie Chenmin turned on the bedroom light, and Zhaocai, who was curled up and shivering in the dark, dared to raise its head.

       Although it was afraid, it still had to protest. Zhaocai has a strong personality and was very stubborn.

       The bed quilt was lifted, and Zhaocai stood up unexpectedly. It saw Xie Chenmin burrowing under the covers and wrapping himself up tightly.

       Zhaocai stared at him.

       He said, Aren’t you capable of not being afraid anymore? Go, turn off the lights.

       Zhaocai didn’t understand and tilted his head at him.

       With its cleverness, it seemed to hear something irreversible in Xie Chenmin’s tone.

       So the little guy lost its temper, clawed Xie Chenmin’s back, and licked the back of his neck.

       Because there was the smell of two masters here, Zhaocai finally felt a little more at ease and nestled beside him to sink into a dream.

       The lights were on all night.

       ……

       Zhaocai once owned a cat, a little kitten whose name was cruelly decided by Xie Chenmin, called Xie Jinbao.

       With Zhaocai’s previous experience, I wasn’t surprised by how the name Jinbao appeared.

       The shame of it was that he even made a custom-made pet name tag, “Zhaocai Jinbao¹Zhaocai means wealth, while Jinbao roughly means jewel/precious“, which were hung around their necks to show off how badly the owner named them.

       ……

       Jinbao was an orange cat with the ear that stood up that I found on the street. A tiny little bundle of misery that felt like it was going to die.

       But it was so alert that it was squealing with its last breath when I picked it up.

       When it was just brought home, Zhaocai’s big face was often scratched.

       But when Jinbao got a bit older, he started to become clingy. Jinbao was closer to one dog than to the two owners.

       In Zhaocai’s mind, everyone was on equal footing, but Jinbao might be slightly higher. Because when Jinbao came to grab its food, Zhaocai would quietly let the kitten and wag its tail to wait for the kitten to finish eating, but Xie Chenmin couldn’t even pick Zhaocai up while it was eating.

       The hierarchy in Jinbao’s mind was very critical, from top to bottom was probably Zhaocai, me, cat climbing frame and cat food, dog food, and Xie Chenmin.

       Xie Chenmin position was not as good as a eskimo dog and a cat climbing frame.

       In order to improve his presence, he often deliberately took Zhaocai in his arms to keep him warm while Jinbao nestled on my lap, licking its paws.

       But Zhaocai didn’t want to snuggle with him, and its eyes would cling pathetically to the kitten licking its paws gracefully, and whimpered.

       Jinbao ignored Zhaocai, because Zhaocai’s big tongue was so wet that half a day spent licking its fur was for nothing.

       So Zhaocai barked even more emotionally.

       I couldn’t bear to hear it and persuade Xie Chenmin, Can’t you let it go?

       ……

       If you saw Zhaocai, Jinbao must be nearby.

       The big dog and the kitten were always waiting together for Xie Chenmin and me to come home. Zhaocai was not afraid of the dark, and Jinbao was not afraid of getting lost.

       As days passed by, in the end, there was only one dog left.

       ……

       Zhaocai’s kitten had been gone for a long time.

       It was probably because of the congenital heart disease shared by its kin.

       Jinbao didn’t live long, and when he left, he was still in the warm bay surrounded by the big dog.

       Zhaocai probably thought that Jinbao had not woken up and delayed getting up for a while longer than usual until I went over to them both with Xie Chenmin. Zhaocai was still lying on his back, panting with its tongue out and wagging its tail at him and me, and prodding the little thing in his arms with his white dog head.

       I took Jinbao in my arms.

       Zhaocai never saw its kitten again.

       ……

       I wondered if the big dog dreamt about his kittens when he sleeps? Would he forget everything and continue to lick his orange fur and then get scratched in his dreams?

       It would, I think.

       ……

       It was probably dreaming and Zhaocai was up a bit later than usual. When he woke up, breakfast was in its bowl and the master had gone to work.

       Xie Chenmin still went to work as usual.

       I followed him into the car, got stucked in traffic, parked his car, squeezed into the crowd, and got on the elevator to the upper floors.

       He still used to listen to the weather forecast and the traffic situation in the car, which only the elderly were keen on nowadays. Then, in his free time in traffic, he habitually edited a message, and copied and paste it into the send message box.

       I saw him startled for a moment when his finger stopped at the send button, then he deleted the words one by one, turned off the radio, and put the phone away.

       He found the parking space and still couldn’t resist dialing my number, which he could memorize without having to find my contact.

       I just found out that the name of the contact he gave me was “Cold and Handsome Wife”.

       I wanted to kick him and put the keyboard across his neck to force him to change the nickname, but I couldn’t.

       I couldn’t even curse “Xie Chenmin, fvck you”.

       The phone’s dial ring sounded. He got on the elevator and rose to mid-air, only to hang up because no one answered.

       Usually when I didn’t answer his calls, he would bombard me with messages, but today he put down his phone in an orderly manner.

       He was very popular with female colleagues in the company, as I could guess.

       A handsome and talented unmarried manager was a very dangerous combination to be placed in a group of the opposite sex.

       I watched him socializing skillfully, laughing skillfully, jokingly calling out “Do me a favour, handsome guy, and pretty lady,” skillfully agreeing or backing out from an invitation.

       Suddenly a wave of sadness and frustration clogged my entire chest.

       The man was a very contradictory creature.

       I didn’t want him to feel depressed and heartbroken because of my death, but after I saw him as normal as ever, without many ups and downs in his expression, I also felt very sad.

       Xie Chenmin, are you fvcking heartless?

       I am dead and you will never see me again.

       I want you to be able to see me…………

       I will miss you.

       ……

       For an optimist, it was impossible to talk about missing someone who you could talk to by making a phone call and sending a WeChat.

       But that day I was taking a programming class and he sent a message.

       He said, Senior, I miss you.

       I saw it in a split second, but he withdrew in a split second²it might be the unsent message features where you can unsent your message so the other person couldn’t see it..

       I said, Take advantage to study more on your own while you don’t have classes. Don’t just hang out in the dorm with a group of people playing truth or dare.

       He sent back a string of ellipses, and the conversation ended.

       He ran from the east campus to the west campus in the evening, and said breathlessly, Do you want to go for a BBQ together?

       I just had a shower and he was sweaty.

       I said, Sharing bicycles is good.

       He told me that he had signed up for the long-distance running for the House Games and was practicing recently.

       I said, You really do have nothing to do.

       He said, Because I lost the Truth or Dare, the class committee signed me up.

       The penalty for the dare was to send a message to the first of the nearest contacts, addressing it plus I miss you, which could not be withdrawn until the other party sees it.

       The first contact at that time was not me, but a boy of the same level as him, and he was dead set on not sending it.

       So he was given the elegant name of ‘Straight Man of Steel’ by a group of people

       He didn’t tell me about it, I only found it out later.

       ……

       That day, I went out with him on a tandem to have a BBQ he invited me to and said to me, Senior, go watch my game.

       I said, Long distance races are boring.

       He said, Then you take your computer to code.

       I looked up at him.

       He said, I just want you to be there, it doesn’t matter if you watch me or not, I feel motivated that way.

       I asked why.

       He said, The Male God of the Planning Department is going to support me, I felt the honour.

       ……

       I took a leave of absence from my student council activities and rode my bicycle to the East Campus gym with my computer on my shoulder.

       In the middle of cheering and lively crowds, I put on headphones and tapped my keyboard in a refreshing and refined way.

       This drew a lot of surprised looks.

       I felt that it was about time, so I looked up at the track and noticed that Xie Chenmin had been watching me.

       When I met his eyes, he began to laugh, gestured to me, and mouthed to me, “Senior, come down!”

       At that moment, my headphones were playing Avril Lavigne’s new song since her return to the music industry.

       As I looked over at him, she sang “God keep my head above water³Head Above Water – Avril Lavigne.”

       I was not a person who could be touched by a scene, but I was in a trance for a moment.

       For a moment I lost my breath for no reason.

       He said, If I’m the first, you give me a surprise.

       I said, Why should I have to surprise you when you’ve forced me here?

       He said, Because I am awesome and dashing.

       I went back to code, and he said that it was useless for me to beg for mercy later.

       Not gonna listen, not gonna listen to what the bastard is saying.⁴

       ……

       But I still couldn’t bear to give up this awesome and dashing bastard.

       I was a person who sometimes could get a bit emotional and get worked up and forget about everything.

       The gymnasium was an easy place to get excited about.

       I couldn’t resist throwing my computer aside, squeezing through the crowd, and sprinting down to track three behind the finish line.

       Then I opened my arms wide.

       Xie Chenmin from track three was the first to be surrounded by cheers and applause.

       His breathing was rough, and when he rushed over, his breath hit me in the ear as he said, “Senior.”

       The long red ribbon of victory was sandwiched between the two of us and crossed the track.

       I got close to his beating heart and said, “Get up and walk around, be careful of sudden death⁵might refer to sudden heart attack because the heart is beating too fast.”

       I had a very deep impression of that day.

       Mainly because I lost my computer afterward.

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       I once heard the oath of the youth who did not know the height of the sky.

       He said, I will love you for the rest of my life.

       I asked, How are you going to love?

       He said, If you arrive at Naihe Bridge, don’t rush to drink the soup, wait for me to go over, and stubbornly kiss you in front of Granny Meng¹Naihe Bridge is a place where people must pass through reincarnation in Chinese folk mythology. There will be an elderly female deity called Granny Meng by the Naihe Bridge who will give each ghost a bowl of soup to forget the memory of the past life.

       That would be a kiss longer than a lifetime.

       I said, How do you know I’ll go before you.

       He jokingly said, You’ve been staying up late and typing codes all day long. Your liver has probably dried up, you would probably die earlier than me.

       Then the brief oath ended when I kicked him off the computer desk.

       If he had dared to do so, probably Granny Meng would not have let us both have a good birth, and he would cry if we were reborn as a cat and a dog who have to procreate differently.

       ……

       The city was a pit of the merciful poisonous pot, allowing the weaker bugs to languish in a small corner, without having to see and participate in the essential natural selection.

       I was an ordinary programmer with no talent, and I thought a corner like this would be enough. Not busy, not idle, but I could still smack a little bit of happiness that even ordinary people deserved to have.

       I thought I was ordinary enough to be able to meet him for a lifetime, I thought I was ordinary enough to work until I retired, and I thought I was so ordinary that the odds were one in a million that I would be separated from him.

       I thought I was so ordinary that death was far away from me.

       At least I had gone as far as to plan to hold his hands for a lifetime and watch after all the life I’ve been through left in the memo book afterward.

       But I died before our wedding.

       ……

       I shouldn’t have believed in fictional nonsense.

       In fact, death was very painful, although it was only for a very short moment, the pain at that moment was piercing.

       The remaining pain was so vivid that I forgot that I was dead.

       Until I saw him standing in front of my grave with a black umbrella, silent like he was just another statue.

       He didn’t even buy a new set of suits. I personally went with him to the old suit shop where the doorplate was overlaid by the years to get it custom made.

       I saw my parents throw their umbrellas and grab onto his collar as if they were losing their minds, and the groom’s Hardanger embroidery²Hardanger embroidery or “Hardangersøm” is a form of embroidery traditionally worked with white thread on white even-weave linen or cloth, using counted thread and drawn thread work techniques. It is sometimes called whitework embroidery. was grasped until it twisted.

       My parents never agreed to our marriage from beginning to end, and no one knew how much effort it had taken for me to bring him to meet them.

       Now those efforts had gone to waste, and my tombstone erected under the rain. It turned out that I followed to be with him, and I died.

       It didn’t make sense at all. I died in a car accident and it had nothing to do with being with him.

       But you couldn’t force a parent who had just lost a son to be calm and rational, and it probably took all their strength just to grab the only culprit they had to pour out their grief, anger, and hatred with their thin, bony arms.

       Except for me, all the people that were present here were pitiful.

       I couldn’t see his expression, only his long and lonely back in the curtain of rain.

       I could guess he was saying sorry.

       ……

       I couldn’t touch anything. The difference between me and the air was probably that I still have some consciousness.

       However, the numbness left by the excruciating pain that washed away my nerves didn’t dissipate for days. I couldn’t remember my name and his name.

       He stayed at the funeral site under the rain, and by the time the cleaning staff arrived, he had probably already cleaned up everything he could.

       The staff called his name, “We are sorry that our lateness has caused you unnecessary trouble, and we are also saddened by the passing of your loved one, so we would exempt you from part of the funeral expenses, Mr. Xie Chenmin.”

       ……

       I remembered.

       My name was Lin Chu, and his name was Xie Chenmin.

       I was wearing my Student Council Supervision Departement’s badge and went to clean up the mess of students fighting over a game on an indoor basketball court when I met an enthusiastic student who took the initiative to help clean up the mess.

       I said, “Hello, fellow student, thank you for your support for the work of the school’s student council. In order to give you some encouragement, we would like to give a notice of praise at the official online bulletin. What’s your name?”

       He smiled and said, “Xie Chenmin, Business Administration Class 1, Year 19.”

       I slowly lowered my head and scrolled through the announcements on my phone—it was written on the front side that, according to the students on the scene, the student who deliberately provoked the dispute with words was mainly one person, the captain of the basketball team of Business Administration Class 1, Year 19, Xie Chenmin.

       That’s probably how the three words were pronounced, and it was unlikely for this class to coincidentally have two identical names.

       After the fight, he actually stayed here calmly and helped the student council clean up the mess in the booth. This was the first time it happened during my two years as an officer.

       But what I would remember about him was what he said when he pointed his fingers at me after he had been reprimanded and meekly admitted his mistake—”Don’t forget, you officers are going to give me notice for praise, I took a recording of it.”

       I was scolded by the head of the department for this.

       All in all, at first sight, he did not leave me with any glimpse of a good impression.

       ……

       I remembered now.

       I tried to call out his name again, but nothing came out.

       I was dead. The greatest mercy God could give me was that my soul remained on earth and could still watch over him. There was no reason why I should have the five organ senses and sixth senses of a normal human being.

       He returned home. If it could be called home at all.

       We raised an american eskimo³ and he named it Lin Zhaocai.

       I couldn’t understand why he had to use my surname, and a name in earthy tones⁴the dog’s name Lin(Wood/Forest), Zhaocai(inviting wealth/success) while the colour of the dog is white, but he had been calling it that way for five years.

       Zhaocai hurriedly wagged its tail and came over to meet him. Zhaocai had to climb on his lap to get a pat before it would come down, and then stood there and continued to wag its unflattering tail, looking in the direction of the door.

       It was waiting for me.

       It thought the only way to welcome the homeowner was to get two pats on the head.

       Probably because it hadn’t waited yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that, it was persistent this time. It was tilting its head towards the door and resting its head on its paws as it waited for me.

       Xie Chenmin went alone from the living room to the bedroom, the bathroom to the kitchen. The lights in the room were shining alternately in the dark city night, but Zhaocai was still lying there motionless.

       He put on his slippers, came over and handed Zhaocai its personal rice bowl, and said, “Zhaocai, stop looking, let’s eat.”

       Zhaocai looked up at him, and the light gave its puzzled obsidian eyes a few twinkling stars.

       It whimpered miserably.

       It seemed to be asking him—what about the other person, why did he disappear, where did he go, and you pissed him off again, didn’t you?

       Xie Chenmin still didn’t say anything, and he didn’t deliberately think deeply about what a barking dog was trying to convey.

       Zhaocai was afraid that he would not understand, so he stood up and barked a few more times.

       He knew that Zhaocai was afraid of the dark, so he put his hand on the switch of the door light.

       He said, “If you don’t eat, I’ll turn off the lights.”

       ……

       “If you don’t eat, I’ll unplug the power.”

       This was one of the most frequent things he said to me in college.

       For a coder, facing a pile of unsaved code and a man with his hand on the power plug was a miserable and inhuman nightmare.

       Xie Chenmin gave me this nightmare every day.

       As I traced the nightmare back to its source, I had to question myself every day, why did I continue to be responsible for Xie Chenmin’s follow-up affairs in order to atone for my past sins?

       He told me that he didn’t do it on purpose, but that the opposite party was always playing dirty tricks and injuring their teammates by playing fouls that somehow still followed the rules, so he was angry.

       Only the devil would believe his bullshit.

       ……

       Business Administration was a famous major in our university. Countless top students had smashed their heads and squeezed to get admitted here.

       Following my parents’ compulsive wishes, I entered this promising major and then transferred to the department with the first rank in the major.

       There was a ‘phoenix tail⁵meaning that the major is not the worst, may better than nothing, but is not wanted by majority‘ major that every prestigious school has.

       For our university, it was Computer Science.

       My father was so angry that he bought a plane ticket and came over that day.

       ……

       He, the handsome guy who was flashing his shiny management department ID was still haunting me who was one year older and in a different department from him.

       He said he admired me as a senior.

       I was munching on the meal he had brought for me and was thinking that his taste was too heavy.

       He said that he had no ideals, and thought that people with ideals were amazing. So he thought my story of bravely changing departments was really awesome.

       I chewed down meals that were salty enough to separate the walls of my body.

       I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t really have any aspirations and that I had actually switched departments to let my parents know how amazing I am.

       And that I could also decide on my own life.

       ……

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