When I was at university, I would meet Xie Chenmin from time to time at some regular places.
For example, the milk tea shop and the courier office.
There, one could see Xie Chenmin working part-time and countless girls who chat with him.
His appearance was so dashing that girls would always ask him if he was an art student.
Sometimes people in my student council officer group would also talk about him.
This man named Xie Chenmin, was the one we dealt with last time, right?
The part-time daily publicity officer of the confession wall said so.
Every week there are anonymous confessions to him, the frequency of this kid appearing in our place is too often.
I asked, Every week?
The officer looked hurt when he said, Yes, I can’t stand it.
Just across from me, he was wearing the employee hat backwards in his work uniform. He sat across the chair, rested his head and arms on the back of the chair as he sipped his milk tea and played with his phone.
I looked up and said, You are quite a casanova.
He said, I can’t help it, I got my face from my parents.
I said, That’s nice.
He also looked up at me and said, Is Senior jealous?
I said, Jealous my ass.
This sloppy boy straightened his chair and smiled at me, Senior, do you have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend?
I said, Yes.
He froze for a while, then stirred his milk tea and said, Huh? I haven’t seen one.
I said, You see it every day, it’s called a computer.
He said, Senior, don’t joke around.
I said, What are you trying to say?
As he held the side of his face, he said, I had a few girlfriends in the past.
I pointed out the main point, A few. How great you are, Xie Chenmin.
He said, No, I didn’t do anything. I even still have my first kiss. Do I look like that kind of person?
He didn’t give me a chance to say ‘seemed like so’, as he continued, I was quite casual and felt proud to be pursued and that having a date was particularly awesome.
He said, I’ve never chased anyone, it’s always the girls who come to me, impressive, right?
I hid it from my mum at the time and felt especially cool.
I ridiculed him, The rebellious period is overlaying the second phase.
He said, My mum later found out and she asked me to leave the school at the time and dragged me home to talk about it all night.
I stopped drinking my milk tea and looked up at him.
My mother said, Xie Chenmin, I have nothing against you falling in love, you can do whatever you want.
But you’re a boy, and there are things you have to think about and take on more than the other person.
You should not respond to any expectations from others until you have thought you can spend time with them.
They are also someone’s children too, why should they be hurt by your lack of consideration? Why should they be turned into capital for you to show off?
Xie Chenmin, you’ve let me down this time.
He said, My mother just looked at me and said these words to me very seriously. I thought about it for a long time by myself, then I cut off all my girlfriends and got slapped by them one by one.
Later, I was rumoured to be a scum, but I didn’t bother to mess with anyone else who didn’t mess with me.
I laughed when I heard this.
He said, I figured it out, I don’t actually like them in my heart, and if they follow me, it would be too suffocating later on.
I jokingly said, How do you know whether you like it or not, who knows when your second grader syndrome strikes again.
He said, Senior, I think if I really like someone, I’ll probably be especially crazy.
I said, Huh?
He gestured seriously and said, As if the whole world is black and white, but only this person is in colour.
He said, If this person disappeared from my eyes, the world would probably be dull and boring.
So might as well let me disappear with him.
I looked at him and thought he was joking.
I was silent for a while and said, Go write a novel.
He laughed cheekily and said, When the time comes, you will be the only one to read, Senior.
I said, I’m short of a book for mouse pads.
He said, Heartless.
The man over at work called out to him, saying that a group of girls wanted to take a picture with him and one bought two large glasses of pearls.
Xie Chenmin immediately straightened his hat, got up and said, Okay, coming.
This guy had gone from a romantic expert to a mascot.
Life was like a box of chocolates, you never knew what flavour you were going to eat next.
But life was actually more complicated than chocolate, and you never know when a flippant remarks you said at a certain time came true.
He joked that if I must go before him, he asked me to wait for him in front of Naihe Bridge.
He said that if the person disappeared, he would disappear with the person.
One was a heavenly coincidence and one was never a joke.
I only know now.
Xie Chenmin was trembling as he held me, and I could feel that his temperature was slowly draining away.
He was on the verge of dying, and his soul could temporarily wander away from his physical body.
I said, Go back.
He said, I won’t.
I said, Don’t make me say it a second time.
He said in a flustered and trembling voice, You agreed to wait for me, Chu, I don’t want to be alone, and neither do you, can’t we be together this time? We’ve been together before, don’t…
Don’t you dare not want me.
Chu, I miss you.
I clutched his back with both hands and blocked the sobs that wanted to come out onto his shoulders.
I could hear his trembling ending and felt his residual warmth.
I could also hear the scraping of machinery, the resuscitation doctor’s yell, and the voice of the young female driver outside the door.
She said sorry to Mother Xie countless times, saying that she didn’t expect him to suddenly appear in the middle of the road, and she also admitted that she was a little tired when driving.
I could see that her brow was full of fatigue and guilt.
I saw that Mother Xie’s eyes and saw the whites of her eyes were already bright red, her tone was trembling, but she still calmly said, It’s okay, he’s to blame.
The female driver seemed to have never seen a sane family member in such a situation and was stunned.
Mother Xie said, He’s been very off lately, I…I didn’t think he’d take his own life, if I could have realized it earlier, I ……
His friends and relatives were comforting his mother who was alone at the moment. The female driver’s cell phone rang, and the childish voice over there asked her mother when she was going home.
I said, Xie Chenmin, look over there.
He buried his head on my shoulder, shook it and said, I’m not looking.
I couldn’t express my conflicting feelings.
I felt very selfish. I wanted to go through the cold death with Xie Chenmin, the man I love so much. I wanted to take him with me, and I didn’t want to leave him alone with a so-called important and false pretence ritual.
But I absolutely couldn’t do that.
I tried to calm down and said, You listen to me, okay?
A long time ago, three of his roommates complained to me that Xie Chenmin listened to me the most. This person was usually late to class, talked back to teachers and disliked his classmates, but in front of me, he behaved like a kindergartener.
Sure enough, he still listened and looked over there.
I said, Look at our mother.
Mother Xie’s back was still straight, but she was silent amid the countless noises, and there was an indescribable sadness.
I said, You’re all she has left. If you leave, what do you want her to do?
He didn’t say anything.
I said, Look at that driver, her child is still calling her home. She’s probably a single mother, out on her own to make ends meet, and because of your one thought, their lives could be so devastated.
But she still chose to stay and did not escape. Do you have the heart to let this crippled family take another blame?
Look, your friends, their expressions.
Look at these doctors, they are desperately trying to save you.
And Zhaocai, who is waiting for you to pick him up and take him back.
How can you say you are alone.
He said, But you are not there. Chu, how could I be without you?
I said, I’m by your side, am I not? But you just couldn’t see me.
He squeezed me tightly like he was trying to rub the breath out of two souls and melt them together.
He said, Chu, I can’t let go.
I said, I know.
Whether it was me, or this world with the people’s warmth, he was just equally reluctant.
He sobbed softly in my neck. It was the second time I saw him cry so unabashedly.
He said, Lin Chu, you are too fvcking cruel.
He was a cheerful person and someone with high self-esteem. How painful and difficult it was for him to convince himself to give up everything, even his life.
But he really did.
I said, I’m sorry.
He said, Don’t say those words again.
Like an oath of the youth who did not know the extent of heaven and earth, he made up his mind to come to me and said that he would love me longer than a lifetime.
However, I could only drive him away.
Romance could only be placed in the story, and it could only be defeated by a cruel reality.
But the man in front of me said,
Chu, let’s get married now, okay?
I looked at him.
The room was so quiet that only the sound of the rescuers remained.