Since my return, many changes had taken place in my mind.
Beginning with panic, discomfort, and struggle, to feeling unwilling and trying very hard in between… to finally resigned to fate and be at peace.
I really, really did try very hard and so much.
I tried to become mature and stable, and I also started to bring home all sorts of maintenance and health products when I see my parents and learned to help them share some of the chores and miscellaneous tasks of life. But perhaps I had it too easy for the first half of my life and I still did so badly that my parents finally sighed and took over the work under me with a smile.
“Forget it, just go just go and rest if you don’t want to.” they said.
I embarrassedly said, “No, II really don’t know how to…” wash and scale fish, but they didn’t seem to believe it and kicked me out of the kitchen.
Actually, I can learn, practice makes perfect, you know?
But the previous Ze’an was so good at it that my earnest learning process was considered perfunctory.
I also learned to give various suggestions to Fu Shan, who came to consult me about relationship issues.
But still, I personally was someone with one track of mind. When I saw Fu Shan complaining about her boyfriend, I listened to her from her point of view as before, and said angrily, “Just break up, the next one would be much better.”
Instead, Fu Shan was stunned, and asked me hesitantly, “Should we really break up? … Ze’an, look at it objectively, he is actually quite good sometimes…”
I regret that I couldn’t live up to the expectation, “Didn’t you say that he doesn’t reply to you very much?”
Fu Shan said, “Yes, but Song Ge used to be like this too. He is a person who doesn’t talk much online. Mostly in other places…”
She hesitated for a while, then sighed.
“Forget it, I’ll think about it myself. Ze’an, you should go to bed earlier too.”
I seemed to hear this sigh often.
From my parents, from my friends, and from everyone around me.
I started to question my own existence and hated myself for not being able to do anything well. I started to understand the sympathetic gaze of the grim reaper at that time; I shouldn’t really have come back, should I? I was really self-indulgent and thought of myself as someone special.
Obviously, what everyone needed was the other Ze’an.
But apart from Ji Qin, who I spent a lot of time with, no one seemed to realize that I was no longer the Ze’an I used to be.
I also tried to be close to Ji Qin
Because of the fake Ze’an’s absence, he actually lived a very depressing life, but he did not accept my comfort. As I’ve said before, he didn’t want to see me and even dreaded seeing me.
Hey, I actually, could understand.
But still, I was very sad and didn’t know who to talk to.
When Ji Qin came back one day, he was drunk. He didn’t find the key at the door, so he naturally called me and gently called on the phone, Ze’an Ze’an, open the door quickly.
I was flattered. In fact that he hadn’t called me a single time before that.
I rushed to the entrance to open the door for him two steps at a time. Ji Qin, with drunken eyes, leaned on the door sill and said to me with a smile, “Ze’an, I knew you would come back.”
I pursed my lips, not daring to look at him directly, and with great difficulty picked up his heavy body, and prepared to take him to his room.
He was still whispering, “I knew it, Ze’an, I’ve been waiting for you…”
I really wish I was deaf at this point.
When I finally put him on the bed, he was suddenly very uncooperative. He wouldn’t let me touch him and resisted my attempts to take off his jacket.
“Zean, are you leaving?”
“You want me to go to bed early and then leave, right?”
I was helpless. It was the first time I saw such a childish Ji Qin, but I was also very sad because no matter what Ji Qin appeared to be, it was not for me.
“Ze’an, are you going…”
In the end, Ji Qin seemed tired and took my hand and said softly, his tone seemed to be pleading.
My heart ached with it.
I sat beside him and slowly leaned over and hugged him, he seemed to be stunned for a second, then wrapped his arms around me more tightly the next second.
I soothed him and said, “I’m not leaving.”
He loved listening to this sentence, and his body relaxed a little, and his grip on my hand was not so hard anymore.
So I continued, “I’m not leaving.”
I kept repeating these words until I was a little numb myself. Until I felt that he was completely at ease.
He suddenly turned his head and put his lips on mine.
I was startled, the kiss was very light and nimble, and before I could react, the warmth on my lips had disappeared.
Ji Qin narrowed his eyes in confusion, “Ze’an, why are you crying?”
Coz of you, duh
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