Category: His Present (Page 1 of 2)

His Present

Physical Book Notification

Youlan’s unabridged collection of short stories has been signed to Bibo Publishing House @Bibobooks_LLC


The collection includes five concluding works, “No One Can Save Me”, “No One Knows”, “Say Farewell to Him”, “His Present” and “The Third Man”. All of the new exclusive extras have been written. The total number of words in the new episodes is 1w811w = 10000, of which the number of words in the episode “No One Can Save Me” is 1w, and the word count of the remaining four extras of “The Third Man”, “His Present”, “Say Farewell to Him” and “No One Knows” varies.


The extras are mostly OE & BE, not explicit scenes. I declare in advance that some may be knives, and some may be sugar2some might be heartbreaking, some might be sweet. I hope that everyone who sees it in the future will like it! Blind sniping3this might refer to a FPS game about a sniper who shoot the enemy instantly after encountering them. In this case the blind sniping might refer to the people who instantly be enraged without reading the full article. is not recommended, everyone is welcome to follow my weibo @有猫的又蓝 to get more information about physical copy related stuff!


Have a nice day everyone and thank you so much for liking this story 🙂

Hi there! There are some, *cough* terms that I am not familiar with such as fans welfare in Weibo, 1w8 word count, or blind sniping. If anyone felt the translation is incorrect, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment to explain~
On the other note, please purchase the physical book if you are interested!
Here’s the facebook page of the publishing house : Bibobooks LLC

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Extra: Art Exhibition


       “Hey, Gu’an, do you want to take a look at this art exhibition?”


       Gu’an was dragged by his best friend to the entrance of the art exhibition. At this time, he still had a skewer of kebabs sprinkled with chilli powder that he had just bought after school stuffed in his mouth.


       “Ah, wait a minute, I haven’t finished eating yet. Besides, I don’t know anything about art, why don’t you go ahead.”


       While looking at the exhibition board, the best friend clicked his tongue and said something strange, “No, no, I’ll wait until you’re done eating. You must visit this exhibition, this painter looks like you, I feel like you will look like this in another twenty years.”


       Gu’an moved a few steps forward and leaned forward. The exhibition board described the painter’s life experience in detail, saying that he was born to be in engineering and learned art halfway through his career without solid foundation or training, but showed extraordinary ability and talent in art. Then suffered from depression for a long time, during which time he continued to create until now, when he held the first exhibition of his life.


       Depression, huh…


       Gu’an’s eyes slowly turned upwards and met the painter’s photo.


       He was stunned for a moment and felt very sad for no reason as if a huge boulder had fallen from the sky and pressed against his heart. At that moment, he felt so depressed that it was difficult to breathe smoothly.


       It really was…like that. It was just that the familiarity was so overwhelming, that he had to convince himself that he had never seen this painter before this.


       For a moment, he even forgot to chew his favourite spicy skewers. When his best friend saw that he seemed interested, he grabbed his few remaining spicy skewers and threw them into the trash can, pulling him hurriedly into the art exhibition centre.



       Once they were inside the exhibition, that strange feeling is no longer so noticeable. Gu’an came back to his senses and sighed involuntarily when he saw his friend turn on his phone to take pictures and punch in with familiarity.


       The painter revealed that he was over forty years old, but this was the first time in his life that he had an art exhibition. Gu’an looked around, and even he who was not good at art could see the excellence and brilliance of the works inside. The content of this exhibition was mainly about landscapes. The painter’s use of colour was realistic and even sombre as if everything is shrouded in this gloomy weather, which makes the atmosphere of the exhibition quiet and gloomy.


       Gu’an thought of the exhibition board calling him an  ‘artist on a cloudy day’, and then thought of his long bout of depression, and couldn’t help but feel a pang of sorrow.


       The art exhibition should be very reputable, and there were many visitors around. He walked along with the crowd and got separated from his best friend. He had to wait for him at the entrance for a while, Gu’an thought helplessly.


       As he rounded a corner, he suddenly found that there were very few people at this corner, and he planned to take a breath there. Here, there was also a painting hung on the exhibition board, but it was very out of place with all the previous works, and even the painting skill was very different.


       —It was actually a cartoon painting of a young boy playing basketball under the sun. It looked like it was painted very carefully. Unlike all the gloomy works he had seen before, the whole painting style of this painting was very bright and cheerful. It was even somewhat childish and amusing.


       However, Gu’an felt that familiar sad feeling come back to him. He couldn’t help but look away and found that in addition to him, there was another tall and slender man standing in front of him. He also stood in front of the painting and looked steadily, his expression was calm, even solemn—even if he was facing such a painting.


       “Ah, Gu’an, you are here?” The best friend came up from behind and chattered continuously, “I was looking for you. Why did you disappear after taking a picture? Hey, why are you looking at this…how can this be hung up too? I feel like I can draw it too… No, even you can draw it, hahaha.”


       “Shh!” Gu’an rolled his eyes as he resumed pondering the painting in detail at his best friend’s comment. Every line, every colour… it seemed a little familiar, and he felt like he could actually draw something like that—not that he was bragging.


       The men had left at some point, and only he and his best friend were left in this area. He always felt uncomfortable in this exhibition, so he whispered to his best friend, “Why don’t we go? …My mum’s going to say something about me again if I’m getting home late.”


       “Hahaha, then I’ll come with you. Your mother won’t say anything about you if I go to your house to eat dinner.” The best friend naturally put his arms around Gu’an’s shoulders and laughed wickedly.


       Gu’an simply couldn’t do anything about him, so he said helplessly, “Mmmm, let’s go, let’s go.”


       When they left the exhibition, the sky was a cloudless blue sky, and the sun was shining just right. The two quickly forgot the artwork they had seen earlier and hurried into the distance.



The author has something to say:
The last part of His Present was also on previous Weibo’s 10,000 fans welfare1information from Rin: when a Weibo user reached 10k followers, they usually will create some sort of celebration

I supposed that one guy Gu’an met was Ji Qin, but whatever, he’s happy now. That’s what matters~
I know this is supposed to be in BE collection but I was surprised too that Youlan’s angst work ended up ‘happily’
If you like this series, rate it on NU here~

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Extra: Ze’an 4

       The first thing ‘Ze’an’ did after he recovered and was discharged from the hospital was to find a moving company and plan to move his old things to a new place to start over.


       Maybe it wasn’t to start anew, but it was just a way to live well…for that person.


       Ji Qin didn’t stop him. He and Ji Qin just looked at each other and then quickly looked away—it was strange, they used to be best friends, the ‘perfect couple’ in other’s eyes, but now they didn’t even have the courage to talk or even look at each other.


       He could smell the heavy smell of smoke and alcohol in the air that had not yet dissipated. He was slightly stunned but didn’t dare to think much about it, and only felt sad.


       At this moment, he suddenly caught a glimpse of a painting hanging on the otherwise empty wall. A cartoon with—in his opinion—particularly poor brushwork. But it was made with a lot of care, and it was clear that the artist had been meticulous in every stroke, and used colour carefully as if he was afraid of making mistakes.


       The painting depicted a summer day with a cloudless blue sky and a young boy playing basketball in his school uniform, and the sunlight falls on the boy’s face as if the boy’s whole body was glowing.


       The painting was…


       “It’s me.”


       Ji Qin walked over at some point, his voice particularly hoarse as if he hadn’t spoken in days.


       ‘Ze’an’ glanced at him hastily, and he quickly withdrew his gaze.


       “He drew it…”


       “…Well.” Ji Qin was silent for a while, “It was a gift from him to me.”




       “He’s really, really nice.”


       ‘Ze’an’ murmured after a long silence.


       “Mr. Fang, is this going to be moved?”


       ‘Ze’an’ sighed and walked in the direction of the moving company guy who had made the noise, but couldn’t help but glance at Ji Qin again before walking away.


       The man stood in front of the painting with his head lowered, his back so heavy with despair that he himself could not help but wet his eyes for a moment.


       Those of them who stayed in the end and chose to stay could only redeem their sins for the rest of their lives. As long as he remembered how that man had left in despair, he could no longer forgive himself.


       As for Ji Qin, who had always been loved by that person…


       A burst of despair and sadness seemed like a tsunami that would overwhelm him at any moment. He really didn’t dare to think much about Ji Qin’s psychological activities, and left the scene in a hurry.


       Ji Qin often thought of the person who was silly and happy all day. Someone who was clumsy but treated him with the utmost care.


       That person was Ze’an.


       In the past, he had heard the gentle voice of the man in his drunken deep and bottomless dreams several times, responding to his every call.


       He called, “Ze’an.”


       The man gently wrapped his arms around him and whispered, “I am here.”


       He asked, “When are you coming back?”


       The man seemed to hesitate for a moment before saying—


       “I’ll be back soon.”


       He was indeed one of the culprits who had killed Ze’an. He couldn’t even imagine what kind of heart that Ze’an had, to be able to answer his cruel questions so gently.


       His vision blurred, the one he had truly loved at first sight. As if was walking on thin ice, carefully and clumsily liked him. But he paid his love wrongly, never trusted him, hated him, disliked him and neglected him, and finally, he managed to……


       Kill him.


       Ze’an hoped to go see his parents with him at the end.


       He didn’t even think about it and refused him. To this day, he still remembered Ze’an’s darkened eyes.


       At that time he just thought it was ridiculous that that man had not only replaced what he thought was Ze’an, but also wanted to have Ze’an’s complete and happy family. It was impossible, and he wasn’t going to let him achieve that.


       Now that he thought about it, that was indeed the last wish of that Ze’an—as the real Ze’an, before leaving, seeing the family just having a simple and reunited meal, trying to save it as a last solace.


       But he…rejected it outright.


       That summer—


       He remembered the shy teenager at their first meeting, remembered the soft touch on his lips at the KTV party, and remembered that person’s loving and tender eyes that rested on him every time their eyes met.


       Obviously, that person was the Ze’an he liked first, how could he treat him like this?


       The soul came alone and left alone after trying hard to live, without being recognized by anyone at present.


       And as the only person who recognized that he was not ‘Ze’an’, he brought him more pain than anything else.


       So, that was it.


       He changed back to the ‘Ze’an’ that everyone was looking forward to.


       In the end, he disappeared, evaporating into the air.


       Never to be seen again.



The author has something to say:
Ze’an’s extra is over

This is not really the end yet! One more extra for our lovely real Ze’an’s bright future (〃 ω 〃)
Eat that Ji Qin!

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Extra: Ze’an 3

       “I know I did something wrong, we all make mistakes. I watched him there for a long, long time, and when he decided to leave, I decided to stay and help him live his life and deal with everything after. Too bad, I do envy and yearn for his simple living environment, his parents and friends…”


       As he saw Ji Qin’s hesitation in speaking, this ‘Ze’an’ also closed his lips slowly, as if embarrassed by the boredom.


       Ji Qin was in a trance for a long time.


       “It turns out that the real Ze’an is not you…” The whole thing was too unbelievable for him, and he was still digesting the first information he received, “Then when did you become… Ze’an?”


       “After the car accident in the summer three years ago.” ‘Ze’an’ replied calmly, “Ah Qin, maybe you will think that I am cruel, but I have always regarded you as a very good friend, a family member even, but not a lover.”


       “A lover is… that Ze’an’s wish, he has always, always liked you very much.”


       “I just wanted to help him at first, but I made a big mistake.”


       A self-righteous redemption that backfired and killed another man completely. The man himself was full of expectations for the world, and he watched, in the darkness, as the light in that man’s eyes brightened and faded until it finally disappeared altogether.


       Ji Qin returned home.


       He couldn’t quite recall the last exchange between himself and ‘Ze’an’. He just felt that his brain had been buzzing all the time. It must have been a dream, he thought.


       It was so absurd.


       He would go home, wakes up from a good night’s sleep and should be fine.


       There was no sound in the house, and he suddenly recalled that every time he came home in the past, there was a person sitting on the sofa, as if waiting for him to come back. But he always had resentment towards that person, often ignoring the existence of that person, and went straight back to his bedroom.


       That Ze’an seemed to always want to say something to himself.


       But he…


       He was a little dizzy, maybe because of exhaustion, or from a load of information he had received today. He deliberately wanted to forget those memories that he was afraid to look back on, and planned to go straight back to the house—and it was then that he suddenly noticed a letter on the living room table.


       Intuition told him that the content of the letter was written by that Ze’an.


       His actions were faster than his thoughts, and when he came to his senses, he had already rushed to the table and picked up the letter.




Ji Qin, Happy Valentine’s Day!


I’m sure by now, you must have had your wish granted and met the person you love and want to see the most.


I’m happy for you, really. In the past year, you have suffered a lot. I saw it all. I know that I can’t do anything well, and I can’t change anything. I’m actually very sad, I really tried many times, I want to be him, surpass him, (too clumsy. Don’t laugh at me when you see this).


But as you can see, there’s nothing I can do.


Bringing him back was the best choice I, personally, have ever made in my life.


There are many words of blessing, but I hope you can take care of your own body. Actually, I have secretly taken care of you many times. Of course, I knew that he would do better than me.


Jealously speaking, he does do a good job of being the ‘Zéan’ that everyone loves.


Since no one but you will ever find out that I exist, so I only prepared a gift for you, I hid it in his studio, the place you forbade me to go. Now you can’t control me either, can you?


Hope you will like it.


Anyway, it was nice to meet you that summer.


Good luck,


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Extra: Ze’an 2

       It was hard for him to say what he felt about the new Ze’an.


       But attentive as he was, he soon discovered that this person’s character, eating and living habits were completely different from the Ze’an he knew. Was it amnesia? A split personality? Or was it a complete change of person? From panic-stricken to overwhelmed and broken to finally forcing himself to calm down, he chose to observe the current Ze’an for some time.


       Surprisingly, the current Ze’an didn’t seem like a bad person. He was more like a clumsy and optimistic person trying to live a life to one’s heart’s content. He didn’t even do many of the trivial things in life as well as Ze’an.


       He thought maybe, only that person knew where Ze’an went.


       He asked that question when he was sure that the person had no ill will.


       Where had Ze’an gone and when would he be back.


       Unexpectedly, after the current Ze’an was flustered, he smiled and told him that Ze’an would not come back.


       He even said that he was Ze’an himself.


       He tried to let himself accept that person in all kinds of ridiculous and clumsy ways. He took it all in, but was still indifferent to the other man’s presence. It was hard for him to forgive that person or to trust him, and he thought he resented him.


       But that person always looked at him purely and innocently, with Ze’an’s face.


       So he chose not to come back as much as possible.


       “The patient is awake.” The nurse came out of the ward and said softly when she saw him in a daze in the corridor.


       He let out an ah and stood up.


       He felt that his mood was complicated, but he did let out a huge sigh of relief when he heard the nurse’s words.


       When he entered the ward, he was suddenly unsure what attitude he should take toward this man. Condemnation? Indifferent? Or properly concerned? Why was that person always like that, so pessimistic…


       Today was actually Valentine’s Day, and he knew that that person called him to go back, but he didn’t want to go back.


       Valentine’s Day was supposed to be spent with the person he liked. He already knew that Ze’an was no longer Ze’an, so how could he face the person who wore the same face.


       Besides, that was the day he had lost Ze’an a year ago.


       He took a deep breath and faced the pale face on the hospital bed.


       “You’re awake.” He felt weak, “Can you be kinder to yourself and stop…”


       “Ah Qin.”


       Ji Qin was startled, and all the words he wanted to say were swallowed back.


       “It’s me…” The man smiled and frowned as if uncomfortable.


       “Ze…an?” Ji Qin couldn’t believe it.


       The man supposedly heard him but didn’t answer him directly.


       “I’m so tired, let me sleep first.” The man smiled a little and then quickly closed his eyes.


       Ze’an had returned.


       After the huge ecstasy, he quickly ordered a bunch of things that Ze’an liked to eat. After so long, he naturally remembered all the things Ze’an liked to eat and didn’t like to eat.


       It suddenly occurred to him, what about the moody, death-seeking Ze’an?


       He didn’t know that Ze’an at all, especially comparing to his Ze’an, that Ze’an was like a stranger to him.


       That Ze’an…shouldn’t really disappear, just like Ze’an, maybe he would find another body and woke up again.


       He…hadn’t treated that Ze’an well.


       Forget it. Zain already woke up. So let’s forget about that for now.




       When Ze’an woke up again, he saw him sitting on the edge of the bed. Ze’an then asked him to help him sit up.


       “I want to look out the window,” he said.


       Ji Qin hurriedly said, “Okay.”


       He helped Ze’an to sit up. Ze’an stared at the scenery outside the window with great care and concentration for a long time before he breathed a very slow sigh of relief.


       “Zean, where have you been all this time.”


       Ji Qin spoke carefully, the scene in front of him felt so imaginary it was almost unreal to him.


       Ze’an didn’t speak quickly, and it took a while before he slowly turned his gaze towards him.


       “Ah Qin, I did something wrong, but I can’t find a way to make up for it.”


       Such a calm and steady way of speaking was indeed the Ze’an he knew so well.


       Ji Qin thought, but the content of his speech made him feel strange.


       “What’s the matter, can we solve it together?”


       Ze’an was silent for a while, then said, “You’re right, and I think you should know that too.”




       Having a vaguely bad feeling about what he was going to say, Ji Qin inexplicably tensed up.


       “I’m the one who ruined what was Ze’an’s life.” For the first time, Ze’an, who had always had little emotion on his face, showed a sad expression.


       Ji Qin was stunned.


       “I don’t like men, I don’t like to make friends and live in groups. I’m just living the life I thought the real Ze’an would like after that car accident, the way I thought it would be good for him.”


       “But… the real Ze’an was driven away by me and will not be coming back.”

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Extra: Ze’an 1

       Ji Qin was called to the hospital on Valentine’s Day because that person had attempted suicide by cutting his wrists in the bathroom.


       He didn’t know what was going through the man’s mind, and he didn’t know why the person who replaced Ze’an looked silly every day, but he always seemed to have so many pessimistic emotions every day. Last time it was sleeping pills, this time it was wrist cutting, what was he going to do next time?


       He rushed to the hospital in a hurry, and it was not until the door of the hospital that he realized that his fingers had been holding the phone tightly, and the knuckles were white in pain.


       He loosened his fingers hesitantly.


       It was only an attempt.


       He thought that what he was worried about should be only Ze’an… No, it was rather his real love Ze’an’s body. Just his body.


       That person… just loved to commit a suicide attempt to gain his attention by hurting himself, thinking that he would accept him who occupied Ze’an’s body.


       He had liked Ze’an for a long time.


       The guy was shy and cute when he first met him. He noticed him the first time he came to the court—it felt like someone made that person look exactly like how he liked.


       The guy often came to the stadium with a girl he thought that the girl was his girlfriend. So he didn’t pay more attention but deep down he felt a little regretful in his heart. It wasn’t until a pass came his way and the girl nudged the guy and he jogged with his head down and handed the ball over.


       He took the ball and thanked the guy, and the guy hummed with red ears and ran off in a huff. He didn’t even get a good look at the guy’s expression.


       So lovely.


       He thought.


       Too bad he had a girlfriend.


       The guy and his girlfriend would come here often, and he wouldn’t have any conversations with that guy. However, he could often feel that guy’s gaze this way, and he couldn’t help but work harder when he played.


       The first time they officially met was at his graduation party. He noticed that the guy and his girlfriend had also infiltrated in, maybe there was someone the guy knew, but he was still quite happy—he was not very interested in this kind of group activity, but the presence of the guy made him be in a better mood.


       He wanted to leave early during the KTV, but the man was pushed and pulled, and actually ended up sitting opposite him, with only a small tabletop separating the two. When he looked up, he could see the other guy’s nervous appearance. He smiled secretly and felt that the guy was more and more lovely.


       It was the first time in his life that he played Truth or Dare. Finally, there was a round of Dare in which he and the guy were to kiss for 15 seconds. The man seemed to stay for a while, then stood up amid the roar, put his hand on the back of his head, and took the initiative to press his lips together.


       So soft.


       His heart was beating wildly, and if the man hadn’t held him down, he might not have been able to control himself—




       After it was over, they added each other on WeChat. In the corner of his eye, he saw that the girl had been silently cheering that guy up from a distance, and he realized that they might not be a couple.


       So that was that.


       Then, after the exchanges on summer vacation, they got together naturally.


       He always thought that guy was cute and fun, but after the first date, he realized that he was actually very sensible and humble, and he was very careful and caring for others, which was not exactly what he thought he was.


       But anyway, Ze’an…was the one he liked.


       They hadn’t been together for very long.


       In the past two years, he and Ze’an had almost never quarrelled. They had a very tacit understanding, and their relationship was like an old married couple. They respected and cherished each other, and just when he thought his whole life was going to go on like this, a new Ze’an came along.


       And his Ze’an, on Valentine’s Day, which he had prepared so carefully, suddenly disappeared.

In Youlan’s work, the most exciting part is the extras where we can cursed the partner and laughed at how stupid they are

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Chapter 13

       There were many, many things that I wanted to do.


       It was just that at one time these things used to be meaningful to me, but nowadays, it felt more like I was doing it for another person.


       It didn’t seem to make any sense anymore.


       So I thought, I should gave up.


       I went to visit my parents.


       They were still slightly upset that I hadn’t brought Ji Qin over. I smiled and said,  “He is busy with work these days. I think he will come with me in a few days.”


       “Really?” My mother asked suspiciously, “Are you really not making trouble? I think you’ve been acting weird lately.”


       I pursed my lips and my smile stiffened slightly.


       “Really… that weird?”


       “Ah, I’m just saying.”


       My mother said, and as if she thought of something else, she added as she worked in the kitchen, “But it does seem you are going back to your younger self now. You are not that young anymore…”


       It was true.


       It was true that I didn’t do a lot of things as well as the fake Ze’an, and what they said was right, even though I tried so hard to learn from him after I came back and wanted to reach his heights.


       But I am just me.


       I hesitated for a moment, but in the end, I said nothing.


       The night before Valentine’s Day, I left a message to Ji Qin to remind him to come back. He was indifferent and even a little perfunctory in his response. I thought about it for a while and couldn’t help calling him directly.


       Surprisingly, he answered.


       So I got nervous and asked, “You should remember to come back tomorrow.”


       “We’ll see.” Ji Qin said vaguely.


       I inexplicably thought of that kiss in the middle of summer, moist and sticky, with the youthful ignorance and love of a teenager. It was the first time I had kissed him, and it made me even more determined to pursue him then.


       I think I had succeeded now, but I had also failed.


       “Ji Qin, when did you fall in love with Ze’an?” I asked gently.


       Ji Qin became impatient: “What’s the matter?”


       I hold on to the microphone and said, “I’m just curious to ask.”


       He paused, not sure if it was out of compromise or a desire to end our conversation sooner, and after a moment of silence, he said faintly, “Love at first sight.”


       I was taken aback.


       It was as if he had found an opening, he quickly said, “I’ll hang up first.”


       “Thank you, Ji Qin.” I muttered.


       The call was disconnected. And my brain was still running slowly, about what he said about love at first sight, and whether he knew which Ze’an I asked.


       But I had him to thank for that, precisely because his answer allowed me to delude myself into thinking that my existence was still meaningful.


       Assuming, what he meant by falling in love at first sight, was with…… the original Ze’an, that was, me.


       That was very nice.


       Thank you, Ji Qin.


       I wrapped his portrait as a gift and placed it on the studio table. Compared with the fake Ze’an, I didn’t draw very well, but I earnestly drew a cartoon version of Ji Qin in his school uniform—that image of him had always stuck deep into my heart. So I’m personally happy with the final product, I guess, haha.


       That’s it, you guys see, I really really tried my best.


       It was time for me to embrace a whole new life, one that belonged to the real Fang Ze’an.


       The night I took too many sleeping pills was actually planned out. I was probably…really in a trance to the point where I didn’t want to live.


       In the chaos of consciousness, the first person I encountered was the grim reaper. This time he didn’t talk as much as before, he was very silent when he saw me, and I even seemed to even see him guilt-ridden.


       “Give it back to him,” I whispered.


       Grim Reaper was silent, I think he was shaken too, I should be able to make a deal with him.


       “I want to have a new and complete me,” I said. “No one likes me here, haha.”


       The grim reaper said, “…I will ask his opinion.”


       It didn’t take long for him to tell me that the fake Ze’an agreed.


       I felt really jealous, and the fake Ze’an really missed the life here too. This was the so-called two-way street, right? I really was the redundant one.


       But anyway, the deal had been done.


       The time was set on Valentine’s Day, the first anniversary of fake Ze’an’s departure.


       It was also the one-year anniversary of my return, but since no one cared. So…forget it.


       I would give a real gift that would make everyone happy.


       No one would be sorry, and no one would be disappointed anymore.


       I would also reincarnate and experience a complete life of my own.


       And then… this time, the people who like me would only like the most original me.


       I lay in the bathtub and slowly closed my eyes as my body temperature gradually drained away.


       This would be a happy ending.





The author has something to say:
End of article, there is really an extra

A song called “Love” by A-lin is dedicated to Ze’an (go listen to it)

Go listened to it here A-lin <Love>, I found a video where they also place the English translation for the song~

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Chapter 12

       Without the aid of sleeping pills, it was even harder for me to fall asleep.


       I knew Ji Qin would not allow me to absurdly drug myself to sleep every day again, so I would also force myself to close my eyes. The long nights were really hard, but I figured it wouldn’t matter if I endured them. The painting was almost finished, and all the suffering… will reach the end.


       Ji Qin still ignored me. He was very busy with work, and I often only saw him at night, sometimes even late at night. His job seemed to require him to socialize a lot lately, and for several days in a row, he came back drunk and was helped back by the driver.


       I picked him up subconsciously. He leaned against me drunkenly, and especially softly called me, “Ze’an.”


       Sometimes I actually hoped for him to be drunk.


       Because at that time, he wasn’t cold at all. He was calling the name Ze’an gently, and the name was spoken between his lips and teeth lovingly. I couldn’t resist this warmth that wasn’t easily earned——


       But of course, I knew that it wasn’t me he was calling.




       I dared do nothing but respond to him softly, “I’m here.”


       As if he didn’t believe me, he asked me again, “Are you Ze’an?”


       My lips twitched, and I found it difficult to answer the question.


       I think… of course I’m Ze’an.


       But wasn’t the Ze’an he wanted, I guess.


       I sighed and whispered, “I’m Ze’an.”


       He didn’t answer and his ever-tight brow slowly loosened to reveal a look akin to resignation.


       I didn’t dare to look at him directly, and merely rested my forehead against his, and when the warm skins touched, I suddenly felt the urge to cry.


       “…The Ze’an you want will be back soon.”


       I said.


       The day the painting finished was exactly three days before Valentine’s Day. It was rare for Ji Qin to stay at home during the day. When I was sitting in the living room in a daze, he suddenly spoke up and asked me, “What’s the date today?”


       He almost never spoke to me, and I snapped out of my daze and answered him quickly.


       And when he learned that Valentine’s Day was coming, his expression was very sad.


       I felt like I knew why he was like this. Because Valentine’s Day was the day the fake Ze’an disappeared. It had been almost a year since the fake Ze’an disappeared… In fact, I had actually been back for a year, but no one seemed to be happy about my existence. Sigh.


       Ji Qin turned around and went back to his room, I hesitated for a moment, but couldn’t help knocking on his door.


       “Ji Qin?”


       When he heard my voice, there was no expression on his face and even the melancholy expression that had just flashed by disappeared. Maybe he had sorted out his mood quickly.


       “What’s wrong.”


       I hesitated for a moment and said, “Are you free to come home with me in the next couple of days? My parents even called two days ago asking about us…”


       Ji Qin…had met my parents with the fake Ze’an after all. I knew that he had also been in touch with my parents during the year, and he had also visited them alone, but he had never gone back with me to see them. During this period of time, my parents asked me openly and secretly if there was something wrong with my relationship with Ji Qin, so I thought I should probably visit them during these two days.


       In any case, my parents were still the closest people to me, and Ji Qin was the person I had always liked for a long time. If I could see the three of them meet with my own eyes, it would be like having my wish fulfilled.


       Ji Qin was also stunned, and a clear struggle flashed across his face.


       Would he say yes?


       My heart beat faster, and I didn’t dare to look up at him.


       “…I don’t think so.”


       After a long time, I heard him replied.


       Surprisingly, my mind was especially peaceful. I didn’t seem surprised to hear this answer.


       In the boundless and indistinct vast dreams, I was the only one who was aware1A snippet of a Tang poem by Li Bai(李白). But I…had been reluctant to admit it, as if I still had expectations of the world.


       I smiled and said to him, “Well…I’m just asking. I plan to visit my parents by myself tomorrow.”


       Ji Qin frowned and looked at me, and after a long silence he said, “As you wish.”


       Before he was about to close the door, I stopped him again.


       “You…you’re going to be very busy these two days. I have a present I want to give you.” I said, “It’s Valentine’s Day.”

The author has something to say:
It’s almost over.

About the poem by Li Bai, the title is 与元丹丘方城寺谈玄作, I’m not sure how it should be translated as I didn’t find the official translation of that particular poem.
In my interpretation, the phrase meant that Ze’an felt the whole world is just like a long and winding dream because of the unreal situation and he was very depressed as he was the only one who was aware that the Ze’an they all preferred was actually not the real one.

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Chapter 11

       When I woke up, Ji Qin was sitting next to my bed taking a nap.


       I felt bad all over, but when I saw his face, which looked as if he hadn’t slept well for days in a row, I resisted the urge to wake him up.


       Ji Qin… was actually keeping me company.


       I couldn’t say whether I was touched or moved, or whether I just made a peace with myself, but either way, I knew that I still deeply love this person.


       Alas, anyway… a miss was still a miss.


       Ji Qin was awakened by my movement. When he opened his eyes, he happened to meet my line of sight. He was in a trance for a moment before he said hoarsely, “……you’re awake, I’ll go call the doctor.”


       “Ji Qin.” As I saw that he was leaving, I hurriedly stopped him.


       I didn’t know why, but maybe deep down I dreaded the thought of him leaving?


       “Thank you for staying with me.” He turned his head suspiciously, and I whispered hesitantly.


       Ji Qin had no expression on his face, but when he heard my words, he suddenly frowned deeply, strode up to me, and leaned down—


       “Listen carefully, I don’t want you to get into any more trouble.”


       I froze, not understanding what he meant.


       Ji Qin stared into my eyes as if it was the first time he had ever looked at me like that, a gaze so sharp it could pierce my soul.


       “Ze’an will come back.” He opened his lips and said one word at a time, “But if his body is destroyed, he won’t be able to come back.”


       My mouth dropped open, suddenly not knowing what to say.


       Actually, I should be… have gotten used to it.


       Ji Qin never believed what I said anyway.


       But I was still sad.


       The fingers hidden under the covers quietly moved to my stomach, which was still faintly aching, and I whispered, “I know, I haven’t been sleeping well for a while, and I didn’t think ……”


       Before the words were out of my mouth, Ji Qin had already left without looking back.


       I took my words back, and my heart grew more and more disappointed.


       Everything was as I had expected.


       There was nothing to look forward to, and nothing to be sad about.


       It was almost over.


       After the doctor’s examination, he suggested that I should stay in the hospital for observation for a day and leave tomorrow.


       I agreed. Ji Qin stood by my side and listened patiently to the doctor’s instructions on how to take care of my body in the future as if he really was my lover.


       Of course I already knew that everything he did was not for me.


       The next day Ji Qin drove me back, and we were very silent all the way. I secretly looked at him out of the corner of my eye, and the corners of his lips were pursed tightly, and he seemed to be in a bad mood.


       I felt like I haven’t seen him smile in a long, long time.


       In the past, when I pursued him, he was also so indifferent, but I have seen his smile; when taking care of stray dogs and cats on campus, when helping his classmates… I firmly believed that he was someone who was distant and was actually a very gentle person.


       Did I change him?


       I really couldn’t figure it out, what I was doing by insisting so much on coming back to change my life……


       I didn’t say anything all the way, and I was a little drowsy, but my nerves kept tensing involuntarily. I thought about how Ji Qin had said yesterday that I should be forbidden to take sleeping pills. What should I do with my sleep during this time? It was too painful and torturous to keep my eyes open for a long night. If I order melatonin, the effect on me is not as great as that of sleeping pills. Ordinary sleep aids no longer work for me. I…


       What do I do?


       After returning home, Ji Qin told me he had to go to work, and went straight out the door.


       I still feel uncomfortable physically, but when I look at the calendar, I feel that time flies too fast. If I didn’t race against the clock to do something I like, I was afraid it would be too late.


       No matter how disappointed and powerless I was in my life today, it was enough for me to do my own thing and pass on the love and blessings that should be passed on


       With that in mind, I locked myself in the fake Ze’an’s former studio again.

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Chapter 10

       I actually thought about running away.


       I was anxious day and night and lived in fear of uncertainty all night long. On the surface, I had a good family, a good education and a good, and handsome partner who was the envy of the world.


       But I knew that wasn’t mine, they all liked the previous Ze’an.


       Later, I actually tried to learn from him and tried to climb to his heights—but the fake Ze’an was really good, and I myself had been a mediocre person who had spent half my life doing nothing and couldn’t achieve what he had done in just two years.


       My parents had by then gotten used to the clumsy and wrong-headed me of today, and naturally, they wouldn’t really suspect that I wasn’t me like Ji Qin, but the sigh from time to time about how I was now, became so much more lately.


       I felt regretful.


       If I hadn’t been so rebellious during my high school and university years, and hadn’t been so annoyed with my parents, and had come home to them more often, would his parents accepted the fake Ze’an so easily when he first arrived?


       Not necessarily, or maybe that fake Ze’an would be accepted no matter what. Unlike me.


       —I thought about running away.


       But even though the world was so big, where could I escape to?


       Those were the people who were closest to me.


       I started to lose sleep and I couldn’t sleep well.


       This was very bizarre because I used to be so big-hearted that I almost always fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But from one of the recent days, I suddenly couldn’t sleep.


       My head was always full of things. From Fu Shan, who sighed because she didn’t get the answer she wanted when she was talking to me about her thoughts, to my parents who complain about how I’m suddenly not good at anything, to my boss who said he hates my guts for making such a small mistake, to the parent who called me and invited me to tutor his kid, to Ji Qin who was looking forward to fake Ze’an’s return every second and every day and night…


       My brain was about to explode.


       After such insomnia tormented me for a short time, I finally went to the hospital for sleeping pills. That night I finally got a good night’s sleep with the help of medicine, and I began to rejoice in the great power of science, otherwise, I would have had a nervous breakdown.


       The next day, I was in good spirits and prepared a second breakfast for Ji Qin as usual. He worked a little later than I did, but he was usually up by the time I brought breakfast back, but today there was no sign of movement.


       I hesitated for a moment. Since I split up with him that day, I hadn’t had any other in-depth communication with him, but anyway—I knocked on the door and call him out, “Ji Qin, are you up?”


       There was no sound inside, I hesitated for a while but still opened the door—it was unlocked, and I saw Ji Qin curled up in the corner of the bed, his face pale, his lips pursed as if he was trying to endure something.


       I was startled and rushed forward, “Are you okay? Are you all right, Ji Qin?”


       Ji Qin seemed to be in severe pain and ignored me. I was at a loss for words, and after tidying up the messy bedding for him, I noticed that he had been holding his palm tightly over his stomach.


       Is this…a stomachache?


       I found painkillers and stomach medicine and gave them to him with lukewarm water. The effect of the medicine worked very quickly, and his face improved a lot after a while, so I breathed a sigh of relief and said to him, “Should I take you to the hospital? You just looked very…… serious.”


       Ji Qin pursed his lips, didn’t look at me, and only after a while did he said, “No, it’s an old problem.”


       It turned out that Ji Qin had a gastropathy problem, but I didn’t know it until now.


       I quietly made a note in my heart and thought that I should pay attention to it in the future, when he suddenly said, “Thank you.”


       I was stunned, and my mood improved. This was the first time Ji Qin thanked me, and the first time I had felt wanted since I returned.


       I held back a smile and stammered, “You’re welcome, um, do you want me to ask for leave for your company?”


       Ji Qin raised his head and glanced at me, then quickly withdrew his gaze.


       “No, I can call myself.”




       He said thank you for the second time!


       I became happier and felt more motivated for the rest of the day. I smiled and said, “No problem, no problem, we are housemates, it’s what should be done. I left my breakfast outside, I bought congee and buns, you can warm them up later.”


       I was in a good mood and I was afraid that he would think I was nagging. After I finished speaking, I was afraid that he would refuse, so I quickly closed the door of his room and ran away.


       Assuming Ji Qin was just my housemate, it was not an exaggeration for me to care about him, right?


       Ji Qin and I were at peace in the next few days. His gastropathy seemed to have broken out, but my insomnia was still so bad that I needed to increase the dosage of my medication to maintain my sleep.


       Until one day, I was sent to the hospital by Ji Qin for gastric lavage1the process of cleaning out the contents of the stomach because of an overdose.

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